Baptism

The 8th of June 2008 was a very special day for me, it was the day I professed my faith in Christ Jesus.
My journey to Christ was long and the road was rocky, but what I found at the end was worth more than the pot at the end of a rainbow. It was more than the eye could see or the heart could yearn for. It was a new life, a journey, a completeness, a whole new world.
For my baptism I prepared a testimony which my Minister read at the service. To my surprise the words read out had a great impact on the congregation, I hope as you read them too that they greatly impact you and remind you of Jesus' love.

A few weeks ago, I was posed a question, a question I thought I would have faced before now, never the less, I was still unprepared. I blurted out a barrage of words that to the untrained ear would have made no sense whatsoever.

With today being such an important day on my Christian journey, I want to share with you all the answer to this question. So, what did make me come to Church?

I was brought up in a family where there was no advocation of religion, God was God, and He didn’t live in our house.

My childhood to the outside world was probably close to idyllic, living in a small village, with both parents, brothers, sisters and close family living nearby. Sunny afternoons spent together eating picnics in the garden, making perfume from rose petals and endless ice lollies. Yes, on the surface life was good.

Underneath I was a worried and frightened little girl; I bore a burden and responsibility no child should have to bear. Having nowhere to turn, I began attending Sunday school, I thought if I came to Sunday school God would see me and make it all better. He didn’t. By the time I was a young teen I left the Church, I decided to go it on my own, God hadn’t done anything for me, and I didn’t need Him. I could cope on my own.

I took all my frustrations out on myself, hitting, biting, punching and cutting myself. I was angry at everyone and everything, I was labelled the rebellious one, and I brought disgrace upon our family. I left home at an early age with a huge sense of shame and carried on with my destructive ways, drink, drugs and promiscuity soon became priority in my life, I lived for the weekend, and I lived for that escape from life.

About ten years ago my health started to deteriorate. I began attending my GP who soon diagnosed depression. I was given medication and mental health help. Things did improve for a while, but there was still something missing; I went back to filling the void the only way I knew how.

One day, during a visit to my doctor, he asked me what I thought was a very strange question. He asked me if I believed in God. I wasn’t sure what his motives were, I answered yes, but what does God want with me, He had never bothered with me before, why should He bother with me now. In my eyes Christians were perfect, I was far from that. My doctor prayed for me, it was the most surreal experience I had ever had, I was definitely bewildered, I left the surgery thinking He was more nuts than I was. But that day was probably one of the most important days of my life, my doctor had planted the seeds. Maybe there was more to this God guy.

I carried on with my lifestyle but this time life was different, I had a conscience. I knew if some of my actions disgraced my family, what were they doing to God. I kept fighting against it, part of me wanted to change, the other part of me felt safe living in the state of confusion I was in. I had a lot of issues to contend with, the hardships I had suffered as a child had a greater impact on me than I had realised, trust, forgiveness, guilt and shame were ruling me. They were also ruining me, between 2006-2007 I was rushed into hospital twice both incidents nearly cost me my life, both through drink and drugs. I had other visits due to the damage I caused myself through self harm. I was suffering from bad anxiety, panic and depression. I was given more medication including sedatives which I had to use just to make it through the day. I was very confused, on one hand I didn’t want to die and I was scared that I would take my self harming too far, and on the other hand, I was slowly killing myself, to me it was inevitable that I was going to die, so why not wipe out the both of us in one go.

Through all of this though, there was something niggling at me, something I can’t fully explain, something that was holding me back. I had a copy of The New Testament which had sat in the house for years, if God was so good there had to be something in there to help, some kind of miracle cure. I scanned pages and pages eagerly looking for answers. To be honest, I didn’t really understand a word of it, I was frantic. I knew I needed inner peace, I needed to forgive and to be forgiven, I needed understanding and love.

Sitting at my computer I looked up the church website and found what was to become a very invaluable e-mail address. It belonged to Elizabeth. I wasn’t sure if she would even get back to me, thankfully she did.

We soon met up and I explained things to her. I was honestly waiting for the feeling of some kind of wrath from her. I received no such thing, Elizabeth displayed honesty and love, even though some of it was tough love. She knew of no other way of healing than to open my heart to Jesus.

Jesus for me was the last clutch of a straw, I had no real guarantee this was going to work, but I had no choice. In the eyes of the world I was a loser and I was proving them right.

My first Sunday in Church was quite a battle, I didn’t really know anyone and I was still very fragile. It was on that Sunday I was encouraged to pray, asking God into my heart and to affirm that I was His child.

I was eager for things to happen, thinking things would change overnight. I wanted to know and understand more than I was ready to. With church attendance, prayer, Bible study and a very understanding minister, things began to slow down.

Realising that my past was not Gods will for me, by destroying myself I was destroying Gods creation. He understood why I had lived the way I had and He forgave me.
That the real feeling of Gods unconditional love came with Holy week, it was only then when I was face to face with Jesus’ suffering that I faced the fact God laid down His life for us. That receiving God’s forgiveness was not what I deserved but a gift I was honoured to receive. That only when I received God’s grace could I then comprehend giving forgiveness to others. That I now have a real lasting peace, negative life perceptions I had are now gone. I am able to trust God and accept his love.

I still take medication and am by no means immune to poor mental health, but God is helping me overcome. Words are too limited to express God’s greatness and what He has given me, I now have happiness, joy, hope, love, a future. I am so grateful to God and everyone he placed around us. I can say for certain that without God’s love, Mollie and I would certainly not be here.