Goodbye Emma

Thank you all who have been praying for Emma's return, but it seams that her fate has taken a different course. A new kitten has been staying with me, and it was my mom's and I's idea to have the kitten (Isis) help sniff Emma out. I had been dosing off with Isis when the birds (mom has 3 parakeets, peaches and...I forget the other name). I got up to go to the kitchen and check on the creamed corn I've been making from the seasons low costing corn I bought (I got 8 nice big ears for about 3.50). Isis came with me and took root on a plank of wood on the floor (my mom and I are moving so there are bits of furniture lying around). As I was turning to go back into the bedroom to watch an episode of Babylon 5 and I saw Emma sitting on Isis's back. No sooner had I turned to catch her, had she ran off behind beuro. I looked behind and I could not find it so I shifted aside a box with a cast iron stove in it, not realizing the bottom was warped so there was some space that Emma could creep into. I still saw no sign of Emma so I pushed the box back up against the wall and though "Well at least she's still alive" which relieved me. Just as soon as my relief had come, did it drop away in replace of terror. I had unknowingly squished Emma with the box, and as I peered down at her...I knew she was dead. I was so distraught that I sat there cradling her tiny body in her hand. Oh it was so horrible, I felt so guilty that all I could do was pray that it would be alright. Her poor tiny body...It's like one of those nightmares you can't wake up from. I kept swirling in guilt and despair, feeling so hopeless...I couldn't fix her, she was gone. Isis joined me, staring at Emma. Isis closed her eyes and dose off as I got up to call my mom. I called her at work (she's a night nurse) and I explained to her everything and about how guilty I was having killed Emma. Even though it wasn't intentional, the gravity of my actions, and pain doesn't hurt any less. So we decided that I would put Emma in a box full of lavender that my mom keeps in the closet and on Saturday when we go to Camp Guggenheim for the Sister's of St. Joseph retreat in Saranac Lake, we will bury her there and have a little ceremony. My hear aches you know having been so responsible for the death of Emma. I feel a little better now though, having written about it and talked to my mom.