I'm in a Sinking Ship

I know I didn't elaborate on the issue, but that was because I was still very angry and didn't want to risk saying something I didn't mean. The truth is my whole family has been under allot of strain since the passing of my step-mother to lung Cancer. My birth parents separated when I was three and since then Carla (the one who passed)had been the only mother I ever really knew. It's still hard to swallow waking up every morning and knowing that she's gone. Carla was the type of person that you could always turn too when the chips were down. She never judged me and was always supportive, not to mention she kept my father's head above the water. I guess I still hold allot of resentment towards my biological mother (Robin) for deserting us when we were little. I came to NY about 2 years ago to get to know her better and it seams sometimes that we haven't gotten anywhere...I'd like to believe that it's all her fault and she's the only one listening to old demons on the matter...but that just wouldn't be true. I'm afraid, because I see allot of my own vulnerabilities in her...she doesn't seam like a parent at all just scared child...not at all like Carla. I just wish my real mom could have been like Carla, someone strong that I can lean on....I can't even lean on my own father. I called my dad for help and he just said "I can't help you, Good Luck." I feel scared, alone, and helpless...and really wish I could feel Jesus here with me like true believers do because as of now I am truly feeling alone. I miss Carla so much, which is a huge reason of why I'm here...I use to sincerely believe that heaven was all made up and the whole Revelations business was just a story used to scare uneducated people into conforming...but now with the loss that I have there is something in me breaking apart, a shell that I built up around my heart, and I find myself hoping beyond hope that I will see her again and that there is something out there that can restore what has been lost or broken...maybe I'm here for all the wrong reasons but I can sincerely say that I have always been looking for God and in the deepest part of my heart...oh well thats a part for God to judge....I know he loves me and won't stop tugging at me till I've come home. I had a dream once, or maybe it was a thought of a dream, and a voice said "you will fall...and the road won't be easy...but you will come back to me." and I hung my head down and replied with one of those guilty half hearted voices, not wanting to believe "sure I'll come back to you." It seams silly now telling a bunch of strangers this and I've sure I'll feel embarrassed after...I guess I'm mostly afraid of being judged. I don't want to be kicked aside and more and told just how much "I'm not good enough." It seams all my life I've been trying to prove myself to a world that doesn't want me, a world I don't belong in. I'm always a stranger, looking in, and always apart. Even the men I've been with and tried to forge a relationship with...it's as if I was always the next best, or the girl after "the one". I kept having to prove myself but always fell short. I guess I want to believe that there was a man who once lived, that no woman had to prove herself to gain his favor...you know...woman are given a bad rap, and I think Jesus was the ONLY man who ever really appreciated woman for the beauty that we are. I mean we make your babies...give us a break. How about for ONCE we are honored, not like a second class citizen.


Oh yeah and encase I didn't fill up the ship fast enough...my hamster got out and I'm having one heck of a time trying to find her...she;s a Robokovian hamster or "Desert Dwarf Hamster" which just so happen to be the fastest and smallest hamsters known to men...that should make my job easy huh? I call her Emma the Harbinger of Doom because she always looks like she's giving you the death stare with her beady little black eyes....and...well she's a little warrior. You see I'm not worried about Emma, I'm worried about the wild mice who live in our cupboards...I think they're gonna have one heck of a rough morning if I don't find her soon.....