as a boy meets a girl, did I kiss marriage goodbye? ♥

I come across a book entitled "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" by a friend of Joshua Harris, Carolyn McCulley.

What is God doing with my singleness?

I've felt a nudge after reading this very line. I was in the middle of a nonsense thought when these words sunk in. Am I really doing it right? Am I living a life pleasing to God? In this present world of compromises, how am I different? Am I really different? Or am I just busy sitting on my comfort zone?

As I sit there on the wooden "couch" more question came, and the more I try to answer it the less I was successful. I come across a section in her book that recommends Harris' book and a particular chapter to read on. STOP. I was not supposed to read that book, that chapter. I was bracing myself as I waited for the sales assistant as she look for a copy of Boy Meets Girl. Before I knew it I was sulking in that mini corner, sobbing, then realization pops in. I would not mention the chapter that I've read though, go figure. It was heartwarming and releasing. I was in the verge of tears and more tears that I carefully wiped the tip of my eyes because my mascara might smudge in no time. (Good thing it was waterproof, but not smudge proof, duh wala kaya nun).

It has come to my understanding that hedonism is my driving force before. I was internally obsessive-compulsive but externally cluttered because I look for what will satisfy me. Instant results, instant relief. Deferred pleasure and prolonged and lasting results were not in my vocabulary. It was me taking the pride and playing the hero all the time. I thought I can bear it all; I feel invincible! I am independent and little miss-oh-i-know-her in campus, I lived a life that was self-serving, pleasure seeking, grubby, selfish... I was comforted, I choose to be comforted with the world's rewards for I know God exist...- Just exist, but I did not care about his feelings whatsoever. But just the same, these were fleeting things.

Achievements -faded, someone's always *academically better* than you.
Relationships -broken, I thought that was my world. It was all that mattered. It was my salvation, my happiness, my source of strength, the one who made me laugh, made me cry - who made me feel, since . I was overly stressed and frustrated when God tells me to move out of that wrong relationship. I was reluctant, no rebellious. I did not do what He said. I continued hoping that I can still "patch things up, after all I am a hero, what can happen? But this heart, this very heart that originally belonged to Jesus was very much beaten, badly bruised and bleeding internally. Imbecility strikes when you're in love, and when that love is not rooted in Christ, expect for the worst...

But Jesus was gentleman enough to meet me where I was lying, lifeless - full of hatred and defeated. I was there and was not calling to anyone, but His heart was broken to see me void of joy and reason to move on. He picked me up, and comforted me. He was there: watching every teardrop, every silent scream muttered, every masochistic act done, He was there and was waiting for me to come back to Him. He was my last choice back then. But I remained anxious that I've done something wrong and I must do something to pay penance. It sinked in: I am forgiven, Jesus died on the cross for my sins; but it was just a phase...

This mere intelligence did not serve me well. For I thought everything has to make sense. This forgiveness thing was not something that appeal to the intellect. I solely believed in the principle of the golden rule "Do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you." It was all that mattered! I've felt that I'm so evil that deserve punishment - that every mishaps that I am having was the justification of the wrong things that I've done in the past and it was the painful price I have to pay.

The book caught me dumbfounded! It reminded me how Jesus took over my punishment; for the wages of sin is death, but Jesus took that "death" so I can live. Imagine, He choose to die on the cross as atonement for my sins; and mind you it was something that He don't deserve. He was tortured, accused and was badly nailed on that coarse plank. He was innocent, yet having so much love for me, He laid there on the cross with an outstretched arms and exhausted body to remind me that I don't need to punish myself anymore.

All along I thought this was easy, I've learned to forgive the person and speak blessings to him. What made things worse was -- I have not forgiven and released myself yet, but God keeps on telling me that I should forgive and release myself from insecurities and pain -- the way He did to me. The enemy has been trying it's very best to delay my journey towards forgiveness and a happy life. He made me believe that I cannot be the person God wants me to be and I should feel guilty forever! But this "self-made-deceit-from-the-enemy" was all a lie. Satan is a great liar! Well, I can't blame him from doing so, after all Satan's ministry is to steal, kill and destroy and just as we are striving for excellence in God's eyes, Satan is also doing the best that he could to rob us of the truth that Jesus loves us and is willing to forgive and forget everything we've done in the past, only if we accept Him as our Personal Master and Savior and that if we repent on the things that we've done before.

I had my share of defeat. It's about time to stand up in truth. I am now an heir of God's kingdom and the very Jesus in me is greater than anything in this world. No riches, no recognition, no relationship can outdo what Jesus did on that cross. He was the only one who loved me for me and didn't ask for anything in return. He was my great encourager, my comforter and the only lover that outweighs everything in this world. He is my real first love and no one could ever take His place in my life- never again.

Only by His grace we are justified - I am justified - You are justified, only if you invite Him in your heart and you let Him be that savior. I am at peace, because of Jesus. It is my prayer that you too can feel the security I am feeling right now. I have a BIG GOD and nothing can go wrong. No boyfriend/medal/recognition/fame/power/amount of money can beat that!
Praise be to God!

Just so you know, I did not Kiss Marriage Goodbye...
I am waiting for God to tell me that "It is time"

Old friends might laugh at me. Go laugh.
But one thing is for sure God has a great plan for me and I believe it!

All glory, honor and praise belongs to God!