Feet breath's Blog (165)

I'm thinking of leaving AAG. That way I can free this site of a burden,me.

I thank everyone for what you've done but it may be time I move on.

I really hope this blog doesn't cause anyone to be sad.

I feel trapped,like I am ready to cry. I have been trapped for 18 years,ever since I was 3 years old. I didn't heal because once one pain was over with another problem would soon arrive.

I'm still that broken child,I never got to heal.

I've never healed of my past hurts,they only just got compacted together. I thought I was healing but I realize I'm still broken.

So much…

I finally understand why I have felt like a child trapped in pain that never truly grew up. So much has happened. I have missed my first home so much. We moved when I was 2. That is when life was good. Even though I only have a few memories I miss it. Well except when the neighbor yelled at us,the lady in the big yellow dress.

Things went wrong starting at 3. I have kept so much from people because I haven't been able to express my pain or fear properly too well verbally. I…

I feel so empty and void inside.

I'm kind of afraid to say anything because I don't want to make anyone sad by reading my depressing blog.

I just want to see Jesus. I want to be held by Him and to feel no more pain. I'm looking forward to that day. Life has been filled with so much sorrow and pain.

Ever since I was very little I've been peoples' escape goat to scream at,pick on and a number of other things.

It's like I was born…

Why does it seem like I'm just a burden to the world?

I can't wait to see Jesus,to be in His arms and get a hug. I know I'm not a burden to Him.

I can't help but cry. I'm tired that I cause so much pain. Why can't I stop being such a burden? Why do I cause so much pain?

I wish I could see Jesus. Only He can truly understand the pain my heart feels right now.

I'm tired of being afraid to tell my parents my testimony.

I just don't know what to do. I remember how upset mom was when I told her I was suicidal when I was in 8th grade. That's one reason why I've been afraid to tell my testimony. I'd have to tell my parents I wanted to commit suicide. I'd be even worse if they some how found out I tried to atleast one time in 8th grade.

Ok,I'm going to be honest here. My parents barely know me. I've been keeping things…

I remember I've been told by mom not to ever cry in front of anyone. Her uncle taught her that it makes you look weak.

Is that true? I guess that plays a role in why I have had trouble feeling pain. I've been afraid I'd disobey mom if I cried in front of others.

And I need to say something else to rid me of this burden. I need to finally get this off my chest. I remember in 11th grade for some reason I had a bad case of stuttering. My mom thought I needed a nut…

Ever since the Lord helped me to start counting the costs...it's actually given me time to think about death.

We will all die [well there will be those who are raptured and they will be alive. That is the exception]. Death is only a transition from this life to the next. Thinking about my own mortality has helped me to appreciate His Grace so much.

I'm a sinner saved by His precious blood.

I think I mentioned awhile back I thought I was going into a depression. Well,the Holy Spirit has changed that. Praise be to Jesus!

You know what? I'm tired of living of fear. I need His help to step out in faith. I'm not helping ether of my parents by living in fear.

I know the Lord will help me to take the first step.

I understand the problem. My mom isn't ready to accept who Jesus is. It will take the power of the Holy Spirit to open up her [and my dad's] eyes. I remember the Holy Spirit helped me to realize they'll only find out about the Deity of Christ if He reveals it to them. Ok,that is great news! Praise the Lord. The main problem though is if mom ends up telling the JWs. And there's a risk she would because it's the only "source" she knows to go to. And it would be very bad if they started taking…

I'm broken. I don't know what He is molding me into.

I sure would love to see Jesus right now.

I just wonder how you deal with something that you know is a spiritual danger to loved ones.

I don't care what pain I'll have to face but what about their pain? That's more important.

If you're hurting please listen to this song.

 …

I feel detatched from my body. All I can pretty much do is cry right now.

I wish I could see Jesus. To feel His healing touch. Life is just so overwhelming.

Oh,if I could only see Him right now!

He keeps our tears in jars I've read before.

If only I could look up and see His gentle face and to be told "Everything will be alright my child".

If only I could put my head on His shoulder and cry.

I'm a disgrace...I cause so many to get hurt,even my brothers and sisters in Christ.

The thing is I don't even mean to,but it still happens. I've been hurting people just by being there ever since I was a child.

It'd be better off if whenever I do get to Heaven if I'm put away out of peoples' sight. Just doing something simple like scrubbing Jesus' streets of gold. That way people won't have to put up with me.

I'm not allowed to feel pain. And…

I'm a burden. Why do I exist?

All I do is hurt people. I can't seem to do anything right.

It's been that way since I was a child. I wish I was with Jesus.

I know the elder's wife has very rarely visited for a long time. And that I think is because she couldn't open up the gate.

Awhile back mom taught her. She is still too short to reach the latch but I know she could just get someone else to do it.

I don't know how often she will visit. Whether it'll be once a month or twice or whatever.

You probably already know how mom feels about the belief that Jesus is God. I was comforted when the Holy…

When I was growing up I hated church. My parents didn't ever take me but I still hated it for some reason. I hated just the thought of it.

I remember a couple things. I remember my Aunt Nancy [she died when I was probably like 5 so it was ether at 5 or sometime before that age] took me to a church. I assume it was a Catholic church since dad's family was Catholic [they're not now] when I was little.

And I remember for some reason seeing my cousions once in a…

As some of you may know I suffer with an intense fear of people seeing me through the crack in the door/hearing me in the restroom.

I thought it was because I was bullied in junior high a couple times while in the restroom. Well,I remember in 5th grade we went on an end of the year field trip. There was a restroom on the bus in the back but I was too uncomfortable because people would hear me. So,I guess I've had this problem longer than I've thought. 

What triggered something in me to be afraid of men? It couldn't be souly seeing men yelling. After all women [like Mrs. R. in Kape] have yelled at me,too.

Did getting pushed away by my uncle J.  after trying to give him a hug when I was little trigger something?

I'm not sure. I remember,I think it was probably high school but it may have been Junior High. I was on the bus. Atleast a couple times I looked at my friend Gretchin. I remember...I was thought I was…