Feet breath's Blog – August 2013 Archive (18)

What triggered something in me to be afraid of men? It couldn't be souly seeing men yelling. After all women [like Mrs. R. in Kape] have yelled at me,too.

Did getting pushed away by my uncle J.  after trying to give him a hug when I was little trigger something?

I'm not sure. I remember,I think it was probably high school but it may have been Junior High. I was on the bus. Atleast a couple times I looked at my friend Gretchin. I remember...I was thought I was…

I deleted my recent blog. I'm replacing it with this one.

I talked to a sister in Christ on FB. There was a memory I had from a long time ago. I was just a child. I finally opened up about it. I never talked to another person about it,it made me feel dirty. I can't go into detail. But I finally opened up and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Jesus truly is the ultimate healer! Praise His blessed Name. :-)

Praise the Lord! He truly made a way where there was no way. Despite there being no bathrooms I was able to place a Halloween gospel tract in the Halloween store. :) The Lord is to be praised!

What seemed to be a depressing place,God actually used going there today for good. Romans 8:28

Ok,I got my gospel tracts in the mail today.

I gave dad one with an eagle on it [he loves eagles] and mom was given a Halloween gospel tract [she loves Halloween]. And today just happens to be her birthday. I don't know if dad could read the writing on the back despite he turned it to the back. I know the writing was really small for mom to see. Praise the Lord though because they like them and want to elaminate them so they can keep them and that they don't tear. I know He will help…

I feel like I'm going into a depression.

I need to crawl into a dark corner and hide. I'm overwhelmed. I'm not a good witness to my parents. I have this problem with my nervous system and I can't stand it.

It's like I've failed everyone. Why can't I be as great of a witness like my aunt Pat?

I feel disconnected from myself,feel disconnected from my body.

I'm broken. Cast away in sorrow.

I hope this blog doesn't…

I know one reason why I'm the way I am. I'm not allowed to feel pain nor am I allowed to mess up. It's been that way since I was little.

I tried to watch what I said/did at school. I seen what happened to the other kids. That terrified me. And ever since I was little I grew up around getting yelled at. Like when I was 4 or 5 [they had pre-kape and kape for kids too young for kindergarden] I was with the other kids on the steps. Kids pick their nose,that’s what happens. Instead of…

I've been so confused. I didn't understand. I thought my parents knew he was a child molester. That confused me though because why would they let me around him if they knew he was one? I got my answer before I went to bed. I searched online and found the term that matches what has happened; adult grooming.

I have been recently asking questions to my parents.

 Grooming. He groomed my parents. I was asking stuff like how he acted and stuff like was he mean? Both…

Ok,I'm went from hating and being angry at myself to now sorrow. I realize that is my place in this life. I can accept that. If the Lord can use me to be able to sympthaize [and hopefully the person would come to Christ,by the Grace of God] and to be able help those who no one really likes than it's worth it.

My life,ever since I was little,has been filled with sorrow. And I know it'll be like that until I see Jesus. I don't expect…

I have seen the pictures of other peoples' babies. There have been so many girls who I knew from school who now have someone and have atleast one child [whether pregnant with their first one or the kid has already been born].

I secretly wish I could have child,someone I know will finally love me. Someone who would depend on me and that I could take care of.

I block out the thought of the man though. No offence to any men reading this. I just feel so used by…

Thank you everyone. He is helping me to heal and to accept what I'm afraid could have happened to me. Time is short and I don't want to stay in my past. I want to help share with others the gospel and to show the love of Jesus. Therefore I need to move on.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support.

I feel like there's a monster after me. A monster from a long time ago. I have felt this way for who knows long but it isn't easy to hide that from myself anymore.

I don't know what happened. I just sense something really evil happened when I was younger and I witnessed it.

I drew and colored a picture of that fragment of my memory...it just filled me with anger. The memory is too hard to talk about from what I remember. I just want to cry! 

I…

Ok,I have memory block. But I keep sensing something very bad happened a very long time ago and I witnessed it.

It's like I can feel something very evil that happened but it was something my mind blocked out. I can still feel something not being right and I witnessed whatever it was. It's so intense it makes me feel like crying.

I really needed that off of my chest because it is bothering me greatly.

Forgive me if this makes someone stumble. I know I'm a stumbling block.

I'm so confused. There's people who say it's possible to loose your salvation. Well,than I can't go to Heaven because there's no way I can keep myself saved.

I'm a disgrace to God and to the body of Christ. Why do I even exist?

There's people who have in the past treated me like I'm the lowest person on this planet. I've got treated like that even after I graduated…

I'm so excited! The Holy Spirit changed my life yesterday after reading chapter 7 in David Platt's "Radical". There was such grief knowing that there's so many dieing without ever hearing the gospel. And without the blood of Christ they can't go to Heaven.

Today my parents and I went out of town to shop. The first stop a Goodwill. I think dad stayed in the car a little while. I seen a Hindu lady and some others [the other two were children and I assume the other lady was Hindu,too]…

I feel like something really dark has happened and I've blocked it out. It's like I've known about it unsobconchently for a long time but never understood. I tried to tell about it in creative writing in 12th grade in my stories. Stuff like being chased. And even in a Christmas story about a monster coming after a little girl. The teacher that came in and talked to the creative writing teacher would listen to our stories and stuff. She was upset because the girl died in the story. She never…