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THE STRUGGLING SAGA OF MY CHILDHOOD -

For I know my transgressions
and my sin is always before me.(Psalms 51:3)

Psalms-51:5(Wesley's notes) Behold - Nor is this the only sin which I have reason to bewail before thee; for this filthy stream leads me to a corrupt fountain: and upon a review of my heart, I find, that this heinous crime, was the proper fruit of my vile nature, which, ever was, and still is ready to commit ten thousand sins, as occasion offers.

I struggled with the scars of sin at a tender age of ten years.Somehow unknowingly, i was viciously victimized by sin.I was like the worst sinner on this earth.With that consciousness, my voyage began for the Saviour and the Redeemer.I can't define what exactly my sin was.I had strong foundations of Hindu faith which trickled down from my mother.My faith taught me that- "Without shiv-parameswar 's command, even a single ant can't bite us".The mythical creator has to allow that.I started blaspheming (THE TRUE GOD) since i had believed that he, Shiva, allowed me to commit that heinous crime in my life.I used to seek the Saviour- God in the sacred scriptures like the Bhagavadgita,the epics- Ramayana and the Mahabharath.I used to mourn with the burden of guilt and for the deliverance from the scars of sins.

THE DARLING OF HEAVENS ATTRACTED ME-

John 6:44 "No man can come to Me, except the Father which hath sent Me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day."

I studied in Roman Catholic missionary schools.Christ and Christians weren't new to us.We are enveloped by Christians and churches.It had ambivalent effects on me.We,Hindus accept Christ as one of gods and has no complaints against His character unlike most of our epic's heroes.Yet,we had problems with Christians{regarding conversions}.For me,no contrast between Catholics and Hindus.Both have had rituals,idols and multiple gods(mother Mary).Nevertheless,I had special attention and attraction towards JESUS -Dying on the Cross.I used to wonder hundreds of times by standing lonely in the Roman Catholic church about this Jesus often.For me,He was unique,exceptional,peculiar,both controversial(claims wise) and uncontroversial(character wise).I could sense a big difference between the compassionate looks of dying Jesus and the dare-devilry appearances of my millions of gods.But I couldn't comprehend that mystery.

PRIMORDIAL LOYALTIES AND PRE-CONCEIVED NOTIONS BLINDED ME TO THE TRUTH-

[ROMANS 1:21 to 25]-..when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.(22)Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
(23)And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
(24)Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:(25)Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

My Hindu religion has been so 'inclusive' in accommodating gods.Our writers,kings and religious leaders were masters in manufacturing and inventing gods.33 crores of gods we have had(Ironically,1/3 rd of our Population-mathematically,1 new god for every 3 persons).As an high-school student,i had affiliations with the organizations like V.H.P.These acquaintances inculcated me a sense of patriotism,loyalty to one's own religion and respect for the elders. I used to lead worship in the temples.I took bath in the so-called holy rivers.Sought solutions for "MOKSHA" -from the elders and the religious scriptures. Unfortunately,in the Hindu scriptures , there is no proper redemption plan for our sins.I did sin.so i was the sinner.Gita always showed one's karma(cause,but not solution).Even gods can't escape from Karma.Though it had solutions in the form of surrendering to our Krishna unconditionally,he never paid sacrifices for the sins of humanity.He never suffered for humans unlike JESUS.We used to joke on his exploits with the gopikas(woman-admirers/disciples).Justifications and rationalizations on his exploits in the form of Sacred mysterious philosophies didn't convict me.Though i had grievances ,the primordial loyalties to my religion and fanatic passions pervaded me to be faithful to our ancestor's gods.

DEVOTIONS TO THE MODERN AGE HINDU GODS-

PSALMS 115:4 to 7
4-But their idols are silver and gold,made by the hands of men.5- They have mouths, but cannot speak,eyes, but they cannot see;6- they have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but they cannot smell;7- they have hands, but cannot feel,feet, but they cannot walk;nor can they utter a sound with their throats.

Though i had queries against the characters of some gods,i had no qualms with the modern day avatars like Shiridi Sai.I was an ardent reader of his biography.I was instrumental in building a temple for him in our village.Apart from him,i tried to quench the thirst for the Truth from the teachings of Rama Krishna Paramhamsa and Vivekananda.I was an avid reader of their philosophies.They say - man is the strongest and power lies within man only etc etc.In reality,i found a void in my soul.Sense of Powerlessness and guilt of sin gripped me.I found their teachings as empty rhetoric in my daily life.No external power from above to help me to get rid of my carnal sins. Times have passed by.I grew up and completed my 10+2 level.My deep deep questions hadn't been answered yet.Somehow,i was O.K with these new avatars[- of old gods].Nevertheless,i was on the search for the TRUE ANSWERS.

REBELLIOUS IN SIN AND BITTER FALLS-

A new voyage had begun in my life towards Vizag sea-shores since i got a free Engineering seat in a charismatic college.I got full freedom and liberty in almost all aspects of my life.Free will and the power to make own decisions propelled me in transgressing the religious laws and parental restrictions(Decision-making regarding gods by rational inquiry).My real inner man was endowed with new vibrant wings.Slowly,The void of my soul and unanswered questions found solace in alcohol and other wordly pleasures.I was entangled by the snares of sin and youthful yearnings.On the outside,i was regularly meditating Gita and other saintly discourses.But,on the secret side,fully in the grip of bondages.
At this gloomy period,the sudden suicidal death of my close relative-cum-friend quadrupled my questions and enlarged my emptiness.Life lost meaning for me.All the great achievements and career pursuits lost its glamor and glitz.Even at this juncture,i sought the counseling of religious heads and babas.Their reasonings didn't convict me.I was in the full control of Sin and Addictions.I became a rebel inside.Somehow i had awareness that i was sinking and desperately needed a Saviour.

I FOUND THE PORTRAIT OF JESUS IN ARCHIES GALLERY-VIZAG

One fine day, i casually visited Archies greetings gallery which has been adjacent to Union Chapel Church-Siripuram Junction-Vizag.There ,i found one beautiful painting of Jesus Christ with His Nail pierced Bleeding Hands.That Amazing portrait of Jesus attracted me and His looks pierced my soul.I paid the price to own it despite the reluctance of my Hindu friend.I pasted it on the wall of my solitary room and started praying to Jesus in the midst of other god's portraits.Every night was a boozing night for me.I was powerless to get rid of that addiction.Somehow ,i was praying more and more to this so-called one of the other Ways.My Hindu friends criticized me for keeping the portrait of Jesus.As a Hindu,i told them - I LOVE JESUS very much.

JESUS CALLS MINISTRY AND THE DHINAKARANS TO VIZAG UNIVERSITY GROUNDS

Since my school days,i used to watch the preachings of Uncle D.G.S Dhinakaran via their Prarthana Samayam[Prayer Time]in the Gemini T.V channel.His songs like Rammanuchunnaadu[Jesus calling you],Solipovaladhu[Don't loss Hope]etc.The compassionate teachings of this other religion's man used to pierce my poor soul.Though i had the grace of listening to christians preachings in the Roman Catholic church in our village,i was never influenced innerly.But,the Good News of Jesus Love and Compassion via the Dhinakarans and the likes had powerful impact on me. I developed affection for these people.Yet,i was hostile to their concept of ONLY WAY of JESUS.I assumed and heard that THE ONLY WAY- JESUS had been the conspiracy of Christians to advance their religion.Whenever i sat with the elders of Vishwa Hindu Parishad ,they used to discourse us to save the HINDU religion from the conversions of Christianity.I presumed that the profound truth of Christ had been the Western imperialistic designs(Never said by Jesus but manipulated by Christians).We used to humiliate the HALLELUJAH Praises of Christians with the Pulihora(a telugu food) shoutings by standing outside of a church.We used to belittle Christians.But,inside of my soul i had many questions.How come this foreign God was the ONLY TRUE GOD despite our millions of gods?There are many true seekers of Truth in Hindu religion like Rama Krishna Paramhamsa,Vivekananda,Mahatma Gandhi and other intellectuals.They were the prominent followers of our religion.If this Jesus were THE ONLY TRUTH,how would they forsake Him?.Though i had questions on the characters of our epical heroes,i had no queries against the integrity of these followers of our religion.I prayed many times to THE PARAMATHMA to reveal the truth for me.One reason i later found(why Truth was not revealed to our philosophers&intellectuals) was in the scriptures - 1 CORINTHIANS 1:18 to 31

18-For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

20 -Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe

(27v)But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God


VIZAG ROADS-1998 AUGUST - ANDHRA UNIVERSITY ENGINEERING COLLEGE GROUNDS-[AUG13th-16th]

These were the days i was fully immersed in the sinful streams and crying desperately for a Saviour of my life.Surprisingly, dramatic events unfolded in my life.I came across the posters of the Jesus Calls Ministry's 4-days prayer festivals in the Engineering college grounds.I was attracted to the compassionate face of Dr.D.G.S.Dhinakaran.Since i had soft-corner towards this family,i wanted to have a glimpse of them face to face.I was praying alone in my room for deliverance.Since i was fully in the grip of alcohol,i couldn't attend their first three days of prayers and preachings.The D-Day of August dawned on me.That was Sunday[Aug- 16].This was the last evening of the prayer festivals.I had no Christian friends to accompany me there.Being a Hindu,how can i go there? In the afternoon,i knelt down at the portrait of nail-pierced-bleeding Jesus and cried in my spirit and pleaded HIM to lead me to the prayer festival.Around 5-6 P.M ,i sat at a junction and was chatting with my friend.Suddenly,my attention shifted to a small group of well-dressed,dignified and humble youngsters(our first year batch mates) who were walking with bibles in their hands.I suspected their journey towards Engineering college grounds.I requested them to include me in that group.They were surprised and happily led me to the grounds .I witnessed a great multitude of hungry souls for the good news of Jesus.In the large crowd,i missed my friends.I went near to THE FRONT LINES.My whole focus was on the Good news proclaimed by the Dhinakarans.

The Essence of the Good News I heard-

ROMANS 5:8-9 (8)But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.(9)Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!


JOHN 10:11 - I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the
sheep.

PHILIPPIANS 2:9-11 (9)Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,(10)that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,in heaven and on earth and under the earth,11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christis Lord,to the glory of God the Father.

He was saying that Jesus came into this world to save the sinners..but not the righteous(no one is righteous in the sight of God).Holy scriptures said that every human being is a sinner.Man by his birth alone has sin in nature.God ,in His mercy, showed me the heart of Father towards his sons and daughters who were gone astray.Father alone,in search of his children came into this evil world in the form of man(son)by humbling himself from the Throne of Heavens to the rugged cross and surrendered himself to the enemy of our soul in love,thinking of you and me,in place of us,He,took the punishment on the Calvary cross and was brutally murdered .He shed His Holy blood on the cross crying. How genuine and convincing the message was?-i sighed.But,i was not ready to accept Him as THE ONLY WAY for Mukti.

THE HOLY SPIRIT-THE POWER FROM ABOVE-NO OTHER RELIGION HAS HIM [THE PERSON OF THE HOLY SPIRIT] -
Gentle Holy Spirit hovering over a hindu like me....

Joel 2:28 (King James Version)
28-And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:


John 16:8 (NIV)
8-When He comes, He(HOLY SPIRIT) will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment

JOHN 3:5 - Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. 6Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' 8The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

JOHN 16:13-But when He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into All Truth. He will not speak on his own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come.

In the last moments of message,the servant of God led us in the SINNERS PRAYER.I knew i desperately needed it.I was conscious of my sin since my childhood.I confessed that i was a sinner to the core of my being and invited Jesus as the Savior of my life[not as the only Savior].I had lighter feelings.Afterwards some radical things happened in my life.Dr.Paul Dhinakaran was praying for the deliverance from the bondages,afflictions and addictions like alcohol,drugs and smoking.He was urging the crowd to plead the Lord for the anointing of the HOLY SPIRIT.It was very new for me.No such power in our religion.I hadn't witnessed it in the Catholic circles also.I knelt down and united with the prayers of the speaker and urged the LORD for the HOLY SPIRIT.Suddenly i was empowered and a super natural weight descended on me.I knew i was not the same person .I was empowered.At this time also,Jesus was like an additional god apart from millions of gods.He had a super natural impact on me.In the last minute,people were testifying about the miracles experienced.Some testified that they had changed their religion suddenly and dumped their idols.I hated that point and gnashed my teeth against them.As an empowered soul,i went to the Jesus calls Book stall.I was attracted to one particular book penned by Dr.D.G.S Dhinakaran.The title of the book is -7 LAST SAYINGS OF LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS.In the midnight i reached my room.The very next day,a sudden urge came to take alcohol.I knelt down and cried.In that moment i sensed the deliverance of the strong desire for alcohol.I felt it was a complete deliverance.I never touched alcohol again despite the forces of my friends.Glory to God.Yet,i didn't accept Jesus as my only Savior.

FROM 'ONE OF THE WAYS' TO 'THE ONLY WAY'-

Acts 4:12, "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.'- C.S.LEWIS

I had experienced a miracle personally with the empowerment of the HOLY SPIRIT from above.My old faith couldn't help me out in getting rid of addictions.Should i follow this new religion by shifting loyalty to this new god?i contemplated.No.Miracles happens in all religions.I wanted to know what really distinguishes Jesus from other gods.What Jesus only can do and others can't?Though i know i was a new man both outside and inside,i didn't accept Jesus as the only God.I posed many questions genuinely.How can you alone be the ONLY GOD?How come thousands of saints of other religions be wrong?How come you are exceptional?Perhaps,you are the BEST among all gods and ways-i reflected:When the best is free,why the rest?.I pleaded Him to reveal the mystery and enlighten me if He were the ONLY WAY.
A sudden appetite to know Him more and more grew in my soul.I started reading His scriptures.The New Testament,Gospel of John.Each night,since AUG-16th,I used to kneel down and pray in the Holy Ghost.I was studying and deeply pondering over THE SEVEN SAYINGS OF LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS.What a miserable death He had on the cross-Why,?Why no one else in the history of humanity?When even the one created by His hands were killing HIM - Jesus in His mercy urged the Father "Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing"...I struck there.It sounded me something great.I found myself in the 4 worded letter "them".But, unlike what others say ,this Jesus in his last words forgiving us.Some illumination penetrated my inner eyes.This example of Jesus has been exceptional.I was sure that nobody can emulate Him on the cross.I found solution.His last words penetrated my soul.I asked Him forgiveness.
I reflected a lot over this sui generis example of JESUS-Was Jesus a Lunatic to pay His LIFE on the cross merely for being treated as one of the multiple means of salvation?The other so-called gods and ways hadn't suffered like HIM-Why? I got convinced that its indispensable to believe Jesus and His intriguing claims for Mukti .I observed that my previous faith had been the continuation of the legacy of my forefathers and no place for me to take own decision.I sensed -In the name of Religion, something wrong has been happening in the world.I dogged that HE IS THE TRUTH,THE WAY AND THE LIFE.NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH HIM- John 14:1-11

In that silent night,in that darkness,rays of light penetrated my soul.I knelt down and surrendered to His love and gave my life to Jesus.

when i started loving Jesus,the world started leaving me(not all). Beloved gave me pains. the world has been hostile to Jesus.I encountered many trials and storms.But, i have experienced the goodness of the Lord..
I sing
"On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Reflect - Had I taken the right decision?
The real person or the nature of anybody will be revealed when he/she goes through the TRIALS.The personality of God,the character of Father,love of Jesus was revealed when we have gone astray.In His last words God didn't react unlike humans and demigods.God so loved the world and sent His only begotten son - Jesus to save us.Those who believe in Him will be saved and will have eternal life .

I pray for the Enlightenment of inner eyes.
PRAY THE SINNER'S PRAYER-

"LORD JESUS,I Accept that i am the sinner.i am lost.I am ready to accept you as my only Saviour and the Lord of my life.I believe that you died on the cross for me also.You shed your blood for the redemption of my sins.You rose again and you are the Living God.Please come into my heart God.Make me your child and disciple and empower me with your HOLY SPIRIT.THANK YOU JESUS.AMEN!"

a Little too Late..Life is short

she couldn’t take another year in prison. she couldn’t even think about it. it had become so loathsome that it was almost preferable to die than to waste away any longer behind those walls. so her appeal began, not to the governor, nor to the warden, but to the prison undertaker. the undertaker was responsible for all inmates that died. he placed them in coffins, sealed the coffins, and took them out for burial. after some time and female wiles, she was finally able to persuade the man to help her escape. the plan was simple. the next time someone died, he would allow her to get into the coffin with the dead body. he would then nail the lid shut, take it out to the graveyard, bury it, and return under the cover of darkness to open it and free her. there would be enough oxygen in the coffin for that amount of time.
eventually the opportunity came. someone died. according to plan, she sneaked into the darkened parlor and crawled into the coffin with the body. shortly after that, the lid was nailed down. she felt the movement of the coffin as it was carried out to the waiting wagon. there was a rocking motion as it was pulled out of the prison yard, through the gates that were locked upon her for so many years, beyond the walls that she could never climb. she felt the wagon stop in the beggars’ graveyard, sensed the downward motion of the coffin as it was lowered into the hole dug for it. a swelling sense of victory filled her. the ploy was going to work. she heard the clunking noise of earth being shoveled onto the coffin, until at last she could hear no more. now it was only a short wait until the undertaker would come for her. being curious, she lit a match to see who had died. in the brief flare of light she saw who it was. it was the undertaker. she screamed, unheard by the world above her.
this fictional story, first aired on alfred hitchcock presents, unintentionally poses a question. in whom do you put your trust for salvation? is it in a person, perhaps a religious teacher? if so, are you sure that he or she won’t end up in the coffin with you, a victim of death just as powerless as you? do you trust religious practices? then you must ask yourself if all the dietary regulations and meditation techniques in the world will free you when death and judgment come to call. perhaps you haven’t thought about it. you may have implicitly trusted that your sins will have no consequences, that you will float into a celestial paradise with no questions asked about your past life. and then, maybe you are trusting that there isn’t anything beyond the grave. will you find out a little too late, perhaps one second beyond death, that you were wrong? at that point, protests and tears will not change a thing.
the bible recommends one means of salvation, one savior, one name: jesus christ. we are told, "and there is salvation in no other, for neither is there another name under heaven given among men in which we must be saved." (acts 4:12) the phrase salvation in no other guarantees that, in the end everything will fail us most disastrously, except for christ.
by john myer