Polly de la Cruz's Page

TRANSITIONS
MY PRAYERS AND DECLARATIONS FOR A HEARTFUL CHANGING LIFE
I will begin here by admitting a weakness I struggle with of not allowing for faults in my life. Today I can appreciate that I have a desire to be Christ-like and can allow myself to strive to be more like Jesus, when I am using the Holy Spirit to work through me. But that I must ask for forgiveness for the many times, I have tried to find perfection within myself and not through Him. In the past, I either succeeded or collapsed completely to the point of a breakdown in everything I attempted to achieve. I set impossibly high standards for myself. I first sat down here today, keyboard in hand, with the misguided belief, once again, that I was being driven only to explore my feelings for myself and by myself. I began doing this when I started putting pen to paper, attempting to perfectly decode and make sense of what I felt inside of me. This paragraph and the one below it came from within me and took me about as much time to finally complete as the remaining paragraphs took to write in their entirety. In retrospect, I believe, with certainty, the rest was composed by my understanding and comprehension of what I believe was the Holy Spirit guiding my hand to help me write this. I have learned from God that he will sometimes do for us that which we cannot do ourselves. On the other hand, however, He will not do for us that which that which we can do ourselves. I could not have shared this with you without his intervention, but I can do so with his hand on my mine. Without the help of the Holy Spirit working in me, I can see now that I would have fallen short in yet another endeavor had I ever completed what I set out to do, by writing this alone. Because of my tried and true perfectionism, this would have availed me with yet another chance to condemn myself. I am today, instead, asking in faith for The Guidance that is responsible for what has been written here, to once come again to me with courage enough to trust in Jesus to leave his work through me alone and unaltered; for He is the easier and softer way.

I was born into a picture-perfect family that portrayed itself to the external world with a castle in the sky vision of the all-American family. We were the epitome of false representation as we appeared to meet every considerable requirement I can think of to successfully illustrate the illusion to all who were on the outer surface to be a benchmark success story of the all-American family that perfectly met or exceeded every standard of a typical family living America’s depiction of its all-American dream. The family I was introduced into life with was well to do, having two educated successful parents in every overt manner. They were religious in nature as practicing Catholics. They had an actual white picket fence already in place for me, along with a family dog and older brother. I came with the ready-set role in life to complete that picture, failing miserably long before I was of age to intellectually or emotionally understand the role I was going to be expected to play. Outside the walls of our house, our family was abundant with love, respectful to all people outside of it, full of contentment and very sheltered. When the shutters were down, however, inside what was found was negligence, frozen feelings, silence or shouting, (not much in between the two); and in my case, constant grief followed by the many tears I was not suppose to be shedding. The worst and deadliest of all of these, which were mine alone to bear for the most part, were the secrets’.

From childhood, I was cautioned early on with constant disapproval and reprimands if I showed any signs of weakness or inadequacies, which always seemed to stem from being too excitable or to expressive and overly sensitive. Also not in my favor as a child, I quietly endured an escalating undiagnosed clinical depression and acute anxiety and panic disorder, mounting as I matured, into a full-scale atypical bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed for years. Eventually when the chemical imbalances’ became impossible to keep hidden to the outside world, they were finally uncovered and identified, first to my relief, then ever so swiftly, to my dismay, quickly secreted and buried by my parents once more, and were simply left untreated until adulthood when I attempted, on my own, to privately seek medical assistance. Without Jesus’ saving grace, the development of anorexia nervosa at the age of approximately 14 was another, almost predictable outcome as a result of my other ailments; that one I alone endured, with vicious resistance, for over two decades. The underlying disapproval of who I was and tried but failed to change alone was as much as it took to make it necessary for me to take on and bear the burden of childhood nightmares and secrets alone. These secrets cautioned me to make a vow I pretty much kept for most of my life, and that was to be happy or be alone. It was too much work to always be happy, so I chose to be alone instead, in an attempt to stay out of harm’s way and as safe as I could from further rejection.

It soon became apparent to me growing up that it was required to at least “appear” happy at all times. What was going on inside of me was not nearly as much of a concern of mine or anybody else. I was taken to church every Sunday and attended Sunday school every week, STILL “Pleasing my parents,” whatever the cost—was still the prevailing frontrunner—not pleasing our Father. I do not believe that that was the message taught in church or Sunday school, but it was embedded into my mind at home to such an extent that nothing could compete with it. It simply was not up for debate. Jesus was not brought into my childhood as the loving companion and confidant I know Him as today. Our Father God, in Church and at home, was introduced to me much more noticeably as a facsimile or a replica of my human father.

My father. My father was the most influential and powerful person in my life, dominating my way of perceiving Jesus, the world and myself. Although I never haven completely given up, in a nutshell, my father has been unreachable to me on any level. My earliest memories are of trying to earn my Father’s love. I quickly learned that the more I tried the harder I fell. I could and have spent much of my life attempting to make sense of our relationship and his influence over me. Let me try to encapsulate my understanding of his connection to me in as few words as possible.

He was angry or emotionless at all times and I never saw him pleased or even remotely satisfied with anything about anything. That included me. It is from him, that I learned who I thought my Father God was. A Loving Father, but with restricted, conditional love and, for some reason, I was flawed, a child who was simply unlovable. This was also true of my human father. Never once do I remember feeling any sense of an authentic, even qualified, love from him, growing up, despite everything I did to be the perfect child. I was not a naïve child and believe that the Holy Spirit was working in me, gifting me with an intrinsic ability to understand people, so much so, that I sometimes used it to my detriment. I also had been given an explicit and undeniable understanding of my innermost self. From my earliest memories, I remember feeling like a bad person. The more I tried to be a ‘good girl’ and perfect daughter, the worse I became, as I understood myself, which was in line with how this human father understood me.

The acting priest or principal of my private Catholic school cemented this “inner badness” into my entire person before the tender age of six, when I was in kindergarten. This very unfortunate incident facilitated my natural sense of self, becoming the final ingredient needed to complete my inherent understanding of life in this world. I had not shared what was happening to anyone and no other person explained to me the difference between this “holy person” and our Savior. However, I knew for certainty, even at this tender age of six, through the gifts of the Holy Spirit, that this was not who God was and I time and time again was held in Jesus’ arms through each and every incident. From that moment on, I knew Jesus was always with me, however it took several years later until I trusted in him enough to depend on him, trusting in him enough to know that he would protect me always. I needed my salvation through him as much in this life, in this world, as I could ever imagine needing it later for eternal life with our Lord. Until I had that salvation, I was still left with an undeniable badness that only I thought only I understood and could not change until much later; when I was able to recognize and appreciate the inherent nature of the badness, and then could be and was saved from the “badness” thus, it was removed from me through the blood of Jesus. I had a long way to go before I was able to comprehend and accept this awesome gift of life that I truly was so undeserving of. I did not discern for a long time, that all I had to do was to “give up” trying to be deserving and “give in” to the acceptance of Lord Jesus Christ gift of salvation. It was a path I believe I needed to take to become the Christian I am today.

I was taught that I had to earn everything in life, including Jesus entering my life, and paid a terrible price that should have cost me life time and time again. It took almost three decades, which consisted of being a secret cutter for years, four serious suicide attempts, two of which landed me in intensive care, once for almost a week. Several psychiatric units, thousands of hours of psychotherapy, most of which was spent with a psychotherapist whose mission in life soon became “me,” using me as a experimental project, or guinea pig, to perform his greatest success ever by curing me from an illness that kept me the weight of a pub adolescent for over two of those three decades. He explicitly said to me that only he could keep me alive. Yes. Never once during those long years was I introduced to even the remote possibility of turning to Jesus. Instead, I was taught to run, and run I did, further and further away from Jesus. After marrying and moving to Yuma, AZ, three months later, upon the verbal instruction of the psychotherapist that promised to save me, I continued to travel alone 500 miles roundtrip weekly, weighing less than 80 pounds most of that time and dosed up on more medication than was recommended for a full grown adult. It took another three car accidents during those weekly trips, and less than a year, two being one car accidents, rolling and totaling both cars, one of which was a convertible, before I finally started the very slow process of “giving in” rather than “giving up” on life and our Lord.

It was the year of the millennium when I finally started the very slow process of giving in to the choice of life by surrendering to the very urgent need and desire for Jesus in mine. I did not realize at that time the significance one day would make in my life. The day that I was finally beginning to turn to Jesus and look for him in the very essence of life, but ever so slowly, my heart became the gateway for God. I will be the first one to acknowledge that I am a living miracle of our Lord Jesus by being alive today. There is no human explanation that can even remotely account for how I have made it to the age of 38; and I know that only with the grace of the Lord Jesus, along with the Holy Spirit, in my life now, that I will continue to live. I began to release my insistence on having good come to me from the persons and situations which I myself selected, and slowly opened myself up to the greater good of the Lord Jesus. Amazingly, even to this day for me, I inexplicably opened myself up and allowed the grace of Jesus to come to me. On this one occasion, I completely surrendered myself to accept His will for me to continue to live in the world that terrified me. Jesus answered me by a slow, but ever so sure, process of washing away my regrets, doubts, and despair, divinely blessing with my own courage to undertake the life he had given me, not alone but with him.

This was such a miraculous moment in my life that it is hard for me to encapsulate in words. I was empowered by the Holy Spirit working through me to never take my life again into my hands and hurt myself in any way. I cannot say I was really “Choose life” on that day, but I did “Choose God” and thus realized that to “live or die” here on earth was simply not a choice that I had a right to make. I wish that I could say with any certainty that I had some role in the brave action that I undertook on that day. However, it was the unparalleled supreme faith that I was divinely blessed with at that moment forward to never once again close my heart defensively to the will of Jesus that caused me to never make even the most innocuous attempt of choosing against life and Him again. I was given this gift of conviction and courage without asking for it or doing anything at all to deserve it. I had no appreciation or clarity at the time for the choices I would begin to make from that day forward to gradually begin walking away from fear and toward new life...eternal life.

For the next several years I moved at a snail's pace feeling frightened, threatened and overwhelmed most of the time, however active faith miraculously moved me to right action, stumbling forward as I started to make positive and life affirming choices. In the face of depression and a sense of despair, I was and continue to be held in Jesus’ compassionate arms as I fight to find any small action I can take toward the positive. I have to work every day, and maybe always will, to continuously and consciously, chose to make conscious choices to anticipate goodness in new beginnings and to keep gratitude as my chosen attitude, using a Pollyanna sense of optimism as the lens through which I view the word. At first, thinking this was simply another form a denial; I now know it as courage. Rather than surrendering to feelings of negativity and despair today, I consciously and resourcefully combat such feelings by moving in the direction of greater faith, putting my sights on heaven. Today, I can honestly say that I no longer rehearse catastrophe and expect failure for myself. I use my thinking to remember the ever-present potential for happiness and health in my life that Father God has blessed me with. Today, the breathe of the Holy Spirit breathes through me, helping me to realize that my prescense in this world is important. My attitudes and actions have importance and I choose to be a healing balm for a troubled world.

As for today, I also chose to willfully respect every moment of life I have been presented with, as an offer of one more chance to honor the physical gift of health with which God graces me with today. Giving thanks for my vitality may be a lifelong arduous process. I have chosen to make conscious deliberate choices that have not been of my nature, to love and cherish my existence. Today I celebrate the very embodiment of what I intellectually thought of as the true essence of all that was evil in the world, before knowing the real Truth of Jesus, for over 30 years of my now 38 years of life. As difficult as it is to recapitulate, I chose to include it here, because on its own, it is and will continue to be the single strongest test of my faith in which I will probably ever have to face.

I slowly stopped using my body a tool to starve the badness that grew within me and later became a deadly weapon that endangered my life. I have been empowered by the Holy Spirit to continue to deliberately work with vigilance to maintain my strength and conviction to make choices towards physical health. This is essential for me to do so I can constantly remain in pursuit of the hopefulness and the very real Truth of Jesus. My body was once both the personification of all sin on my one hand and the tool to destroy that very evil on my other hand. With Jesus’ redeeming grace saving me, my body, today, has a fighting chance of abundant health. When I honor life by honoring my body, I am honoring Jesus as the leader of my life.

By relinquishing my perceived control of my body to its rightful owner, Jesus, I have allowed my body to become a gift of goodness rather than one of its past inherent badness. Through the workings of the Holy Spirit, it has become the storehouse for my memories, a sensitive radar kit that warns me of danger in my life, and a wise teacher who signals me how to best care for the Holy Spirit inside of me. When I listen to my body, I am led into right and wise actions by the Holy Spirit. When I take seriously the guidance it offers, I make decisions which honor both me and Father God above. In doing so, the intuitive warnings my body now gives me regarding people, places and events can be trusted to be true and offer me some of the deepest safety in my life. Through Jesus, my body has been blessed with patient endurance, dependable intuition, and a persistence in speaking to me loud enough until I hear the guidance it bears. My body has amazingly, to me, become a loyal friend. Every day of my life will continue to be filled with awe and a sense of gratitude beyond words for the Lord’s blessings of my body and Jesus’ loyal companionship and continuous commitment to help me regard it with tender care.

In the face of diversity and even in the light of my past experiences of life, I still believe in the divine goodness available for all human beings and in all human beings should they choose Jesus. Despite of, or perhaps because of, a loss childhood, I have been blessed with a child’s openness and the gift of unconditional love. I love others for their true selves and I allow myself to be met by others without hiding my natural flawed self as well. However today, Jesus is my primary security. Being rooted in Jesus, I can allow human love to gift me and grace me but I no longer demand, desire or require a godlike security from human love. I let Jesus and his divine love for me guide me. I count – and I count on – this blessing. My intuition is the Holy Spirit speaking both to me and through me. I listen to my heart and I am learning to trust it with clarity. I am learning to recognize and hear the voice of Jesus’ guidance, a voice that holds all safety. When I am lonely, when my heart is blocked in fear, when I cannot relax my vigilance, I remind myself that I am safe and secure through Jesus. I ask for and allow Jesus to touch me with healing grace and compassion. I ask for and allow Jesus to gently guide me to goodness. I have always been answered directly in grace and with His touch. With it, I am learning that I can create my own security by trusting in His process of my life.

For the first time in my life, I am no longer alone. I have been blessed with friendships that fulfill me. My friendships are grounded in God. I cherish the committed friendship of those who have extended themselves on my behalf. Rather than focusing on my loneliness in the past, I turn my perception, instead, to appreciating the many ways in which the friends I have been given have been loyal and even courageous in relationship to me. I can now enumerate for myself the many times that I have felt a friend’s courage by speaking a difficult truth. I count with gratitude the times my friends have listened to me as I struggled to clarify an issue that was difficult for me to face. Rather than look at the ways in which I have been let down, hurt or betrayed in the past, I choose today to focus on the ways in which I have been nurtured, encouraged, and protected.

With loving care, one of these friends pulled me aside a few months ago after a testimony in church. I think he cared enough about me to be concerned that I might feel a sense of frustration and maybe even feel let down by Jesus and begin to wonder why my prayers have somehow be left unanswered, because I continue to fight such powerful demons. Today I attempted to put into writing my prayers and declarations of a heartful life. If I am able to share with that person what I have written down, I hope that he is able to believe as I do... That I have enough and that I am enough. In my walk of this world, I have been the center of God’s love. His heart has known no distance with me and it is with Him and through Him that I know I am held and cherished. I am safe, protected, and companioned at all times. There is no longer any place or circumstance in this world that I will again encounter alone. When I feel loneliness, anxiousness, fatigue or despair, I comfort myself by knowing that I am contained within the heart of God and if I will only continue to look for God within my own heart, I will find both of us there. Indeed, I have answered prayers.

Most important for me right now, through this written exploration of my own “transitions into a heartful changing life” is the fact that I am finally trusting in my faith that is sourced of His divine love, shaped by His divine guidance, and prospered by His divine power. I am blessed by the guidance of the Holy Spirit every day in every way. Today I open my heart and my mind to, and only to, the influences of my Father God through his son Jesus Christ. I relinquish my definition of myself as small and limited. I invite guidance and inspiration; I welcome new thoughts and perceptions, larger perspectives and possibilities. I praise the Lord that I am not the sole author of my life and I invite the spiritual enlightenment through the faith of the people I surround myself with, thus I want to thank you, Pastor Willie, Cherie and every one of the wonderful saints I have met through the fellowship. Rooted in God, you are flexible and enduring. You are honest, heartfelt and healthy. With you, I maintain deep affections without fear of abandonment. I see you and your fellowship as divinely led, divinely placed in connection to me and to a mutual unfolding. I anticipate great good and open my heart to it. I am alert to new beginnings.

I open my heart with gratitude to my savior for these blessings that have come to me and say “hello” with a child’s openness to new disciplers and new discipleships. Even in the face of haste, even in the light of past experience, I expect goodness, allow enthusiasm, encourage care. My heart has become resilient and expansive. Today I cherish my history and all that I have become because of it. It is my belief that every experience of my life is significant and has been indisputably necessary for me to live through in my walk of life. I am not saddened or disappointed. I do not grieve over any anticipated loss I encountered, nor do I desire to change anything. Simply turning my back on any event, incidence or encounter of my past, would be putting myself in jeopardy of changing the person I have become today. I cherish all that I am, all that I have, and I welcome my ability to care still further for all that yet is offered to me through Him. I am God’s creation and I am good.