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What I am about to share is very hard. I posted this in my blog but want to share it here and ask for prayers in getting through this and living a long and healthy life. My greatest fear was losing all of my friends here but I have come to realize that you will love me no matter what as I love you all the same.

Here is my true story:

So there I was at the doctor’s office for my routine baby checkup.  They have already run all the necessary blood tests as required.  Then the nurse comes in and looks at me very hard and with a judgmental attitude she begins to tell me the most horrible news to come to my ears.  I just sat there in shock and then began to get afraid for my child.  Oh Lord, what do I do now?  This nurse was not very nice to me and treated me with disgust as she attempted to tell me the next steps.  My heart was heavy and my fears were great.  This can’t be!  Oh God, this can’t be!  There must be some mistake!

As I drove home, my mind was in turmoil and my thoughts were racing everywhere.  How will I tell my husband this news?  Surely he will be upset but how will he react about this horrible truth?  Will he leave me?  Will he hate me?  Why is this happening?  I cried and prayed all the way home which is about 45 miles.  I called him on the cell phone and said, “We need to talk.  I have some bad news to tell you when I get there.”

When I got home, he and I took a drive together alone and I told him what the nurse had said.  I expected the worst but it didn’t come.  He was upset and concerned especially about our unborn child as I was.  I explained what the next steps were and that if we followed them, our baby would be fine. (and she is a very healthy child with no problems)

It was years later when I told my oldest daughter.  She was 15 when her little sister was born but it was after she graduated high school and had moved out before I called her one day to tell her that I had to talk to her.  She was very upset and disappointed because I kept it from her all those years.  But what else could a Mom do?  She had everything going for her at school.  She was an honor student, played all the sports, was in Beta Club, and won Homecoming Queen.  I didn’t want to burden her with my problem.  I just wanted her to excel (which she has done and has a Bachelor’s Degree and Teacher Certificate).   And to be quite honest, I didn’t want her to be ashamed of me or look at me the way that nurse did.  Rejection is hard to deal with from others but not nearly as hard as when it comes from someone you love very deeply.

Since 2003, I have battled with this.  Besides the doctors, the only people who I have told are my husband and daughter and a friend I shared it with.  This world is full of hateful and mean people who live in their own world of make believe and pretense.  I see it every day.  There is not a lot of compassion towards others and especially not someone like me.

I have shared a lot of myself here on this site and have poured out my heart in blogs, discussions, prayer rooms and emails here.  I have come to love this site very dearly because of the special people who are here.  Except for this one thing have I not shared.  But it has been on my heart and mind for a long time.  This is my testimony.  God has brought me through this.  Without Him, I could not make it one more day.  But with Jesus Christ, I am strong!  With Jesus Christ, I am not afraid!  With Jesus Christ, I am brave!  With Jesus Christ, I am compassionate and truly care about how others feel.  Even when I don’t understand how they feel, I still care.

So the truth is I have HIV/AIDS.

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Replies to This Discussion

Being Judged hurts...  Beloved, I don't judge you, and I'm certain no one else here will.

 

Knowing how to respond to such a heart wrenching honest post as this is Michelle is challenging.

 

I love you Michelle.  You are a blessing to us here since the day you joined all those years ago.

 

You are loved.  You are valued.  You have a purpose.  You have worth.

 

That will never change.

 

I want to hug you. 

 

I don't care that you have hiv/aids.  You are my sister In Christ and you always will be. 

 

Perhaps we'll work side by side in the Millenial Kingdom.

 

Bless you dear Sister.... Lots of Love, Carla

 

 

Ditto Sweet Sister.

I'm not judging you ether,sister. :hugs: I'm praying for you.

Dear, dear Sister Michelle,

Before I say anything, please accept a long range, cyberspace, Christian hug from an old geezer who's been around the block a couple of times, and seen/heard more than  can be remembered.

You know, Michelle, We have way too many judges in this world......and too many prosecutors......but not near enough witnesses.

The judges and prosecutors in the Kingdom are self-appointed and need not be adhered to. God takes care of those departments completely, thank you. But, witnesses........we need more witnesses, "for the field is white unto harvest."

 

Since coming on board here at AAG, going on 3 years, I think,........ It was obvious to me that you  are one of the Lord's strongest, regular, and most sincere witnesses on this site. God needs you here, Sis, so don't be planning on going anyplace soon. My day job is training staff care-givers in the field of developmental disabilities and serious mental illness.

I understand that a lot of progress in corralling HIV/Aids is being realized in Southeast Asia among other places.

 

No matter what happens..... we will all eventually log-in again at a new site:

Revelation 21:4, " And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

 

Grace and Peace, Michelle.

 

 

 

 

Michelle,

It really doesn't matter what we think anyway. All that counts is that opinion of our precious Lord. Would He reject a person because of this? I know He would not. He came to save the vilest sinner which I am as well. If I thought Jesus could not forgive you, my entire understanding of the Gospel would fall completely apart. I have no doubt that Jesus loves you. By the way, you are in good company as are the rest of us:

Ps 38:18-22
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies;
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
slander me when I pursue what is good.

21 O Lord, do not forsake me;
be not far from me, O my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my Savior. NIV

There is only One that has not sinned and you and I are not He. I am proud to be a prayer warrior with you. You are perhaps the bravest of us all. You are perhaps the best of us all. You sinned but you are not a sinner. You failed but you are not a failure. You are righteous in the eyes of our God. You are completely clean in His eyes. You are completely loved. You are great. You do not need my forgiveness but I give it openly. You do not need my love but I give it. You are blessed most highly for you are the child of the most high God. You have the bull by the horns and are throwing him to the ground. I am smiling. 

You have blessed me as you have many others. You are very, very brave. I am extremely impressed. Blessings to you. In Jesus name. Blessings.

Roy (a fellow prayer warrior only in Christ) We are all complete in Him. There is no sin among us. 

Roy,  You have addressed something of the utmost importance here.  It doesn't matter what any of us think, only what Jesus says matters.  I need to remember that moment to moment.

 

Thanks for the reminder... Blessings, Carla

Amen. Jesus did always prefer the humble contrite heart over the self-righteous religious heart. It would be difficult to find a more notorious sinner than Zacchaeus. The crowds including many of the religious leaders all came out to see Jesus. But, it was Zacchaeus' house where Jesus chose to stay that day. I can't think of a greater honor than to have my Lord Jesus to come over to my house for a visit or something to eat. I think all would be surprised to find who He is staying with today. He already knows our hearts. We might as well be open with Him. 

Yes.  good word. :-)

It gets me that this nurse, who is supposed to have a good bedside manner, would judge someone without even knowing the background for one.  But even still.  What one does in the past, upon excepting Jesus, is forgiven, they are changed.  But she has no clue how you got this disease.  Kids are born with it.  Why would we look down our nose at a child who had no say in what happened to them?  Kids bully each other because they learn it from adults who have no clue how to treat one another either. 

I got a big honking tattoo on my chest.  Would love it to be gone, but such is life.  Now I'm saved.  And I've had Christians who get a glimpse of the top of that and turn their noses.  My friend Pam made kind of a rude comment about Lora's tattoo on her shoulder the other day in church, a friend I'm seriously considering distancing from.  I'm not saying I don't judge.  Saw a man on the street the other day all ratty and nasty looking...and that was my first thought.  Then I noticed his arm deformed and realized I cannot judge him without walking in his shoes.  Imagine if he grew up with that deformed arm and was held back by ridicule and an inability to do what others can do with two good arms.  We need to stop ourselves when we begin to pass judgment in our minds.  If we don't, those judgments become easier and easier and they hurt people.  And they hurt us even if we don't realize it...we hurt ourselves becoming judgmental.

People are already hurting over things.  I know having a deadly disease is very hard on you and your family and friends.  Getting snide looks from those who SHOULD have known better only makes it worse.  I guess I wouldn't have shown forth such a great Christian attitude and would've probably reported her and asked for another nurse. 

Michelle, sad to say, but there's not a lot of compassion period in this world, even often among Christians.  I have to continually fight with my own ability to show compassion cause I've been so emotionally numbed to it through my life circumstances.  And so I turned and judged this nurse now as well who may also be emotionally numb and then we're supposed to pray for her.  There's no easy answer.  But I know I wouldn't have made it the last three years if God wasn't strengthening me, even when I felt like He wasn't doing anything.  And that's what's kept you through all this.  And He'll keep on keeping you going strong.

Dear Michelle,

You are dearly loved by us, and guess what? Our Triune God loves you even more! He created you to fulfill HIS plan and purpose. Remember, when the apostle Paul was the weakest, God was made strong. Let the light of the Holy Spirit shine through you. In your spirit self, precious Michelle, you are already healed! We just have to ask the Lord for guidance in how to appropriate that healing so that it will manifest in our physical body.

Please accept these "virtual" roses [flowers] as a gift from creation itself, for they bring a divine message of hope.

                       

F - Faith [without it, it is impossible to please God] Hebrews 11:6

L - Love [the Lord thy God....and your neighbour as yourself] Matthew 22:37,38

O - Obedient [in all things] 2 Corinthians 2:9

W - Worship [the Lord in the beauty of holiness...] Psalm 96:9

E - Eternal [life ... only Jesus has words of eternal life...] John 6:68

R - Reward [rejoice ... for great is your reward in heaven...] Matthew 5:12        

 

Love and Hugs always. Remember whose you are!                  

My dear Sister,

There is no such thing as perfect people. As the song says. But, fortunately for "all "of us we have a perfect and loving God who gave us his Son. I am honored by your friendship and love. What Carla, Roy,Feet bees, Gregory, Richard and John have said echoes my own thoughts. When we reach a point of being able to speak about whatever has broken us with other people, that is a milestone. I too have confessed things here that I have never spoken to anyone about except my wife. God is at work in you precious Sister. BIG Time! Plus, as Richard said,here is a great big virtual HUG<HUG>>>> for you. No one can change who we are in Christ. We are one body! More precious than Gold or Silver! That is you! You Rock Girl! God knew that about you long before we knew you. :-)

Your Brother in Christ,

jm

Blessed be our Lord. He has a huge smile on His face.

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