I feel like I don't belong anywhere

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by feet breath on September 13, 2013 at 4:33pm

Cyndi I thank you very much for what you've said.

 

I just don't think I could ever look myself in the mirror and say any of that unless I lied. I certainly would be lieing if I said I loved myself and I'd be dishonest if I said I was a good person. The only good thing in me is the Holy Spirit.

 

I have had low self esteem for a very long time. I think part of it has to do with I've never had a boyfriend [unless you want to count Chris from elementary. We hung out a lot when we were little]. I've never been kissed. That is unless you want to count being kissed by a boy at the laundrey mat when I was three. Chris may have kissed me when I was little but I don't remember that [Sean may have to. He liked me when I was little but if he did I don't remember it.] Kevin kissed my hand once in 2nd grade at lunch but got in very big trouble.

 

As for junior high onward I never got kissed,dated...I don't remember even once getting my hand held. I feel used by men. They can only seem to use me. While I never dated there were boys [once in 8th grade,twice in 9th,once in 10th and a minor event in high school once] that helped me to feel that way. That and someone else has made me feel that way. He was in my life from when I was 3 to 7 or 8. And no he wasn't a child. I'm now 21. I think this is one reason I have low self esteem. No man could ever truly love me,only use me.

Permalink Reply by feet breath on August 23, 2013 at 10:42pm

Thank you brother.

Permalink Reply by Richard L. Broch, Sr. on August 24, 2013 at 9:32pm

Miss Feet,

I remember your early posts on this web site. You were like.............nowhere'sville.

 

BUT, we have seen you grow in the Lord.........blossoming out like a beautiful rose (still with a few thorns on your stem, though)....but we all have those.

We love you and are concerned about you, just as the apostle Paul was about the church at Galatia, in Galatians 4:19, " My children, with whom I am again in labor  until Christ is formed you -"

All believers are being changed into the image of Jesus Christ - during the period called sanctification. This can be a difficult time.......like a snake shedding its skin......no fun...... BUT YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm also praying for you, young lady.

 

Grace and Peace.

 

Permalink Reply by feet breath on August 24, 2013 at 9:50pm

Thank you Richard. I feel like I'm getting really depressed...

Permalink Reply by Cyndi Murphy on September 10, 2013 at 7:14pm

we all go through difficult time but lord is alway with us  and he doesnt give us more that you can handle, my husband has been ill for the last 6 months and we had some bad new my husband prognosis is bad,he was in vietnam and agent orange and now he has liver diease and now he has liver cancer and the  prognosis is 6 months to live, i sit here and wonder why doctors give such a prognosis, it is not the doctors job it is the lord who decides it time to leave this world i have told my husband not to stop living his life it is up to want to fight and i pray that god will give us strength to pull him and mei have to be a rock for my husban and i need extra prayer to sent to our for him and to say a prayer that i have the strength to help him

Permalink Reply by Carla on September 10, 2013 at 7:43pm

Dear Cyndi,

I'm standing with you in prayer.  You are right, the doctors do not have the final say as to when our lives end here.  God does.  Bless you.

Carla

Permalink Reply by feet breath on September 10, 2013 at 8:37pm

Cyndi,I'm praying for him and you,too.

Permalink Reply by feet breath on August 25, 2013 at 12:48pm

He seems so far away...

I know I've hurt Him so much. I've messed up so much. I'm to the point of being numb and can't seem to feel. If I seem Him right now I wonder how disappointed He'd be in me.

Permalink Reply by feet breath on August 25, 2013 at 6:17pm

I thought I was going into a depression last night. I don't know what is happening now because more stress has been added. I can tell you what that stress is. I'm telling you guys on here because I don't know how this is going to effect the current stress state I've been in.

 

 "Nicole",the elder's wife,came I think ether yesterday or the day before. I didn't see her,I was ether sleeping or just getting up. Mom taught her how to open our gate. Now she will be able to come more often [possibly atleast once a month since that would be a Watchtower a month]. Therefore mom will be more influenced. Now if the discussion does somehow come up [remember I always have to wait for a discussion to come up on really anything because I'm horrible at starting discussions] about someone saying He's God. Or a discussion comes about Michael is Jesus [according to what mom believes] or some kind of talk. How can I talk to my mom when she will probably end up telling Nicole "Nicole,please tell Michelle Jesus isn't God." And if she finds out I know she will tell her husband Tim [the elder]. They will see me as sent by Satan and try to protect mom. They'll want her to get as far away from me as possible. They'll convince her that she only has the JWs, no one else can be trusted. My mom has enough issues with trust [she had a very rough childhood]. She does not need to be led into a situation like that. And they'll make it almost impossible if she ever would want to leave.

Add to it my problems with communication. I can't look people in the eyes very long. I'm poor at communicating verbally. I ether run my mouth too much on a topic I'm passionate [my brain can say stop but my mouth don't listen as I blurt out facts I know,it's happened before on topics I'm passionate about] about or I can't seem to say much of anything because I don't know how to get the words out. I will feel like I have to defend what I believe because I will be expected to answer why I believe He is God. Trying to communicate that to two JWs [Nicole and she will probably have atleast one friend with her] and my mother while I'm the only Christian there would seem like an ultimate defeat,for lack of a better term.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about my personal problems. As you may know I've recently dealt with a certain flashback. That opened me up to finding more info./remembering info. on Dominick,the old man. In finding out that info. I've been terrified he may have molested me. I already know he looked at me in a bad man way when I was little. And that got me thinking he probably did it more than once in over 4 year period of time [from when I was 3 to 7 or 8. He died three months and three days after I turned 8,June 12th,2000]. Please don't ask how the person who told me found out he looked at me that way. This has been hard enough to deal with. I've felt like I may have been slipping into a depression last night. This alone is very hard to deal with. Knowing he groomed [he was very generous with money and took mom and me places] this whole family including me. My parents still think he was just a nice old man. This alone has been very difficult. But now the JWs are back into the picture. Yes,I know they need the gospel. The problem is if I give any hint that I'm against their beliefs they will take my mom away. She will she be able to live in this house but they will take her and make her a JW. So,sharing the gospel will be a give away for them. Yet if mom asks someday and she finds out I believe Jesus is God she will go to Nicole. And you know how that would go. Ok,I know JWs have killed people. Please don't think they are all like that but I know it has happened. Apostates are "mentally diseased" accrording to one WT back some years ago. And I remember they had something said about "Slaughter of apostates" in I think a WT. There's also spying on people. Not to mention this family would be destroyed like other familes have been in the past. 

Frankly,I don't care what they do to me. Last year I was learning stuff about what has happened like there have been people who were murdered. The Holy Spirit comforted me by helping me to find "Extreme Devotion". That has been finished but that shows it's been over a year since the devotion is a year long. I know He has helped strengthen me to prepare for any persecution since last year. And I know He's helped me,by reading the stories of the brothern. And that has shown me that being prsecuted because I have Jesus is normal. And the Lord has let me see persecution since 8the grade [there was one event I remember before than,too]. And even though I wasn't saved yet [thought I was] I still got persecuted atlest a few times. So,I have no excuse to say just because I'm in America that everything will be safe. I know the consequences that have happened to people before. But I don't need to be afraid of them hurting me. That's the least of my worries. What I'm concerned about is what they will do to my mom and to this family. And I know if this ever got out I put this I would be labeled as someone sent to "lie on Jehovah's people". I know the consequences if mom or any of the others would join. They'd get love bombed until probably baptism. Than the love bombing would stop. And if they ever decided to leave they would be forbidden to talk to any JW family or friends. And they'd be told unless theyd come back before Armaggedon Jehovah would destroy them. I think there would probably end up other family members joining after mom would join. I don't have time to worry about what they may do to me. I just don't want them love bombing any of my family and any of them end up in a very big mess. I've read stories of what happens to families and I don't want that happening to this one. This family is troubled enough. It doesn't need any help to make more problems. I know the rapture is near. If they join...

And honestly I'm scared. This is too much to handle. Between my nervous system problem. I can't stand anyone yelling/talking loud. I can't tell the difference. I tend to shut down and rely on my flesh. I'm afraid I'd deny Jesus just to get them to be quiet. It's not like I'd want to. But when someone yells/talks loud my nervous system gets really messed up. My brain can't think straight and I'm liable to say what they want just to get the sensatory overload to stop. I don't want to deny Jesus. They can do what they want to me. I just don't want to deny my Lord and I don't want my family going into something they will be tricked into. Anyways between that problem with my nervous system to having trouble communicating. Good communicaters have trouble in a discussion when it comes to is Jesus God or Michael. But if good communicaters have trouble where does that leave someone who doesn't want to look them in the eyes and will probably bring off the wrong message whether it's the way they would see my body movements or just because I'm not a good communicater. Add to that I've been stressed enough with worry knowing I was possibly molested. I truly don't know if I'm going to have a flashback concerning that. It's quite likely since he was a child molester. And like others he deceived my parents and the rest of this family into thinking he was just a nice old gernerous man.

 I thought with just knowing I may have been molested,that has seemed like to help me start to go into a depression. I thought I was headed into one last night. But now all of this has been added. I don't know if I'm in a state between numbness and shock or what. This is too overwhelming.

Permalink Reply by feet breath on September 1, 2013 at 3:51pm

thank you,brother

Permalink Reply by feet breath on September 3, 2013 at 3:45pm

Those are three very good steps :)

Permalink Reply by Lena J on September 8, 2013 at 9:50am

Dear Feet,

Because of my present situation, it is not often I get to the computer, but this morning I was prompted to drop by the PrayerRoom. Your plea for prayer captured my attention, and I was bothered. Please don't entertain such thoughts; they are not from God. Remember to ALWAYS focus on Christ Jesus, for He is your provider, your comfort in times of trouble; you are His, paid for by His precious, sinless blood. You are loved by many. Look to Elaine as your present day woman of faith, trust, and inspiration. I do!

Love you heaps.

  

Below is a short prose I wrote:

                                                                                                   DON'T GIVE UP

  

When once again you fall off the rails

And hope you feel is surely lost;

And the burden of frustration

Takes up residence within

And fear hangs like a leaden cloud

And you think the world around you

Is spinning totally out of control

And life dangles on the brink of extinction;

 

DON’T GIVE UP!

 

Bend your knees and clasp your hands

Bow your head and close your eyes

Have an urgent talk with Jesus

Know that He will help

No matter your state

No matter your sin!

 

“Set your affection on things above,

not on things on the earth.”

(Colossians 3:2)

 Be blessed...be comforted. Jesus has lots for you to do in His Ministry here on earth!

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