help

When I think about God I ask myself do I truly know Him. Do I really fear Him. I fear Him. I fear man as well. I live in panic mode and am afraid of everything. I messed up. I made a bad choice 2 years ago. Now I am hunted. Ashamed. I cry a lot. I pray a lot. But I pray for me. That's selfish right? Pray not for wealth or for my health. I don't pray to prosper. Of to be success full. I pray to be forgiven. I pray to be washed clean. I pray to talk to Jesus. I pray in thanks even when I cry (and I cry a lot). I pray for the ones that call for prayer. Oh Lord I pray to move on.
Is there anyone that can help me. I am lost in the wilderness. Going in circles. Looking for a way out so that I can come in. Am allowed to feel this way. I'm not to sure of anything anymore. I question everything and everyone. I am not strong. But I am told that's ok. I need not be strong. God is strong. When I got fought in my acts of sin and shame. I feel to my knees and prayed. Prayed for forgiveness. I cried for a year. Every night. I did not eat. I did not sleep. I was afraid for further punishment from God. You see I did (still seeking) not know God personal. I know of him. Believe in him. But did not know him. I always read the bible. Every night. But I read just the words. Not their meaning. Or the reason they where written. Before all these events came about. I woke up one weekend (Sat or Sunday I don't remember) and I was cursing God Jesus and then the Holy Spirit. In my mind. Oh Lord the words were so loud. I cried. I feared. I hit myself to stop the words. They stayed. That was over six years ago. The battle wages on. I find some peace. Not much. Now my head hurts a lot and I'm confused a lot. Sometimes I don't remember. Other times I can't forget. I pray that God will talk to me. Help me. Because I depend on him. I do. Beyond all this mess and the war. I found God. And I love him. Jesus makes me smile and my heart leaps for joy at his name. I have yet to know God desires. But I pray to love his heart. All of him. God is amazing. Fantastic. You know he has answered a lot of my prayers. He brought me to Charles Price (living truth ministry). I would like to one day talk face to face with Mr Price but I thank God for him. I also thank God for Carol Baker. I look forward to her Devotionals and I journal everyday. I would like to thank God for Carol. I love her prayers. Her heart. Thank you Carol. I am not the most carefree person and I wear my heart on my slave for all to see. I don't know were I am going but I know were I have been. I just pray that the light the now leads me if from God and Jesus shows me the way.
I know this is not a prayer request. But I needed to talk to all of you. I need to connect with everyone. I needed God to hear me. Because everyday I died a little more. Am I worthy of someone so great. No my fiends I am not. Am I worthy of Jesus no my friends I am not. But I love them so and I wanted you all to know that God is wonderful. And that Jesus lives. He died to justify our sins. He died because that was Gods will. Gods purpose for him. Oh Lord. Oh my father above. Will you find it in your heart to forgive this foolish child of yours. This stray lamb that only wants to do good but fails because she walks in human ways. With a human mind. Lord I pray that I look to you in all I do. I seek you with all my heart. You are the truth that I look to.
Everyone if you have the heart please pray for me that I unite my heart with Gods. Break the chains that bind me to the human life and my past. Help me in prayer to forgive myself and believe that God loves me too. And one day I will please God so much that He will smile. I don't want to hurt him any more. Pray that I find His hand and hold on forever. And when you are praying with me this prayer. Please pray that I walk in faith and not by my own understanding.
Thank you Lord for bring me back to these wonderful people. My heart is ok. Thank you again Carol. When I needed someone God sent you and all of you. There are more important matters prayers here today but before you all close your eyes tonight can you please pray that I find forgiveness and peace. Thank. God bless. Lina