Dealing With Depression As A Christian

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Comment by Mandy on April 24, 2008 at 7:28pm

To my Dear Friend Paige: you are extremely couragous and strong. I truly admire you. God has pulled you from the pit of destruction and used that very pit to be a source of bringing others together for the benefit of helping those who faced similar circustances. May God Bless you always. Please read my post under: To Everyone: started by Jen. With Love in Christ. Tammy
P.S. I will share some of my struggles with you all as well.

Comment by Paige Robertson on April 24, 2008 at 4:27pm

Im Paige, and basically everyone here knows me already. I have been with AAG since last October, and the growth of this place just blows me away. Especially when soo many beautiful, God loving women have joined that are struggling like me. Its encouraging. So thank you members, and new members for your openess, acceptance and love to me and the battle that lies withing me daily.
I will basically sum up my past:
I was abused and raped at 5. I never could fit in at school thru High School. I was labeled,either wierd,slutty,stuckup,spoiled,ugly,stupid,and just downright not wanted growing up with my peers. I was an artist from since I was born and got lots of love and recognition for that, but I never was treated like I was normal. My mom always thought something was wrong with me so I was put into therapy and medication since I was in Kindergarten. I cannot remember any time of my life that I wasnt medicated. I still am today. I struggled with my weight and binged and purged from Jr High to High school. (I saw my moms weight always fluctuate and saw her diet and excersize all the time) I always had a boyfriend and was sexually active since I was 13. My mom would take pictures of me in Lingerie and let all my boyfriends stay the night. She would let us all drink and buy us booze. I partied and dramk alot, but never smoked or used drugs. In High school, I was labeled such a slut that even if I didnt have a boyfriend I was a slut. I made myself sick and cut myself so I didnt have to go to school. I have scars from trying to commit suicide at the age of 17. My heart was broken from the end of very close relationships and boyfriends. I still cry because i loved them soo much. I was in therapy all those years and after High School I was hospitalized,6 times. I then went to colege,worked full time, and won alot of regional art contests and sold alot of artwork. I thought I was better. Then In College, A teacher made advances toward me and I was raped. I stiil finished college which was wierd, but I did it. I then got engaged and lived with a man(well, boy,20yrs old) for 5 years. In that time, we had it out with eachpother. He would drink and be abusive which in turn made me crazy and I always left and came back. He lied to me and drank always threatening to kill himself. Anyway, after stabbing himself in the leg and pushing me around, I left my home, and everything I had to him.
I then went into various jobs, and still continuing therapy and treatment. Then I found a very good and high paying job as an account executive at Vision International as a Account Manager. I worked there for 4-5 years. I that time I was still depressed so the only way I could fill the void and numb the pain, I became anorexic,bulimic and was addicted to diet pills which had ephedrene in it. I over time at 5'8, lost alot of weight and eventually at the dark hours of my death bed, I was 87 ilbs. I had been throwing up and excersizing all those years immensely. I worked out 6 hours a day, and threw up about anything that I put in my body. When I had lost my job because of this, I was put in to many inpatient addiction clinics, up in many NeuroPshyciatric institutes, and hopspitals.
I lost all my friends and didnt care. I had no one. When I got out, I even went crazier. I gained a little weight, but still thin. I went nuts. I started to become sexually active with anyone!! I was hired to work as an escort and in the car dealerships as a greeter and whatever else those men wanted me to do. Yes, anything. It was for the $. I got paid to do about anything, but I was soo lost that I thought this was love!!! I thought I got paid for love!!! Yay!!! I then was hired as a dancer and well, it just went downhill from there. I ended up homeless and no one to help me. My family had given up on me years ago, and had barely enough of anything to function. I remember sleeping in areas of bushes and trees at the local parks. But I felt peace. I FELT PEACE in the midst of my ,what I knew were my last days if I didnt get miraculously healed. I lay there covered by the nature. Covered by a bush, and two trees. I LOOKED AND FELT AND THE CLOTHES I WERE WEARING WERE SOO TRASHY< GOD WAS LAYING THERE WITH ME COVERING ME WITH HIS BEAUTY. Im crying now. I was the Mary Magdeline of this day. And the Lord looked upon my burned out,thin,frail,abused,sexually immoral boidy, and said, "My daughter,do not fear. Look up at me. This is not my plan for you." The sun was bright and I felt a warmth that sent chills down my spine.
Well, you all know me now. I have been married for 9 years, I have my own art/design business,my family is restored and I have counteless friends. I have painted and done art for many homes,buildings.and churches. I praise God for my life,a nd all that I have. However, as you can imagine, I still suffer with pain form the past and which in turn has caused me to suffer in trying to be "NORMAL". I still do not see myself as ok. I want to be just ok. I dont need to be some movie star. I want to be happy, and to feel ok in my own skin. Can you imagine this old bruised,beaten and sick body that I have had? I now have 2 disk herniations, and I have had to have all my teeth removed because of the bulimia. SO YES, those teeth you say are fake!!!!!! all $10,000 of them. God paid for those.
Well, Ill shut up now. But those who know me, praise God right? I praise God for this group. THANK YOU JEN!!!

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