How do we deal?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Heather Lynn Burke on April 28, 2009 at 12:41pm

I wish I could help with this one. If it wasnt for my ex-husband I dont really know how my kids would have turned out. We were married for 22 yrs. I left the marriage when my youngest was 17. I was "there" when they were growing up,but due to my marijuana addiction I didnt participate too much in their lives. My ex also smoked when we were first together,he quit in 1997. My kids have turned out to be awesome kids. They know and understand now that I had a terrible addiction,and an illness(bi-polar)that I chose to ignore when they were growing up. I Thank God daily for my children and how they have grown and matured,and are able to accept me,and forgive me for not being there totally while they were growing up. I will not let them down this time as I have in the past. With the help of God I will remain on the road to recovery. I also thank Him for finally helping me to realize that I am an addict.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to understand what addiction is, and how it controls your life? I am sure there are others here that had similar issues.

Peace,
Heather

Permalink Reply by Sheila Kaye Steiner on May 14, 2009 at 11:51pm

Heather, yes, my kids know all about addiction, they've had to live it their entire life, those two were only 2 and 1, when I first went to prison, they grew up with me in a visiting room. And they've seen first hand, how things can be going along, just great and "I'm never going to use again", God bless their little forgiving hearts, wanting to believe that this was the time that it would be true. They are now 19 and 18, now I'm sober I want to be in their life's but, they are grown and doing their own things and they don't have time for me, and I really felt bad, hurt, and ofcourse, defensive.
But then God brought it to me, that is how they felt all them years that I was choosing drugs or some man, ove them, but I just keep trying to show them that they are not empty word, this time.

Sheila - tgiflady

Permalink Reply by Heather on April 28, 2009 at 3:10pm

What a great discussion. As I read the replies I think of my own children. I got sober when they were 11 and 13. I had a lot of work to do to make amends for not being the kind of mother I was meant to be. Ultimately the greatest gift I gave then was continuous sobriety; becoming reliable and dependable - do the things I said I was going to do, show up when I said I was going to show up; become respectful and considerate of their feelings and ideas. But here's the deal. As a redeemed child of God, I had accepted Jesus offering of forgiveness, justification and sanctification. I no longer had to grovel because of or hide from my past. Im a sinner, my kids are sinners, my husband is a sinner. We all need a Redeemer.

Those of us who walk a clean and sober path one day at a time can lift our heads high not because of who we are and what we do, but because of Whose we are and how He is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. If children need to talk about past behavior, they can do so respectfully, or work it out with an Al-A-teen sponsor. Eventually my kids came to know the Lord. My 31 year old daughter has 11 years of sobriety; my 34 year old son, son - 5 years. They followed me. We are set free under grace and He calls us to peace. Relax. Breathe. Trust.
H.

Permalink Reply by Susan Mathews on April 29, 2009 at 5:42pm

Oh, Sister Sheila...Bless your sweet and angelic heart! I am right there with you, as you know. My three teens do the same thing to me. There are times when they aren't getting their way now that they will throw things from the past in my face. I tell them over and over again, that was then...this is now! I tell them at every opportunity that I am a sinner, that I have made so many mistakes that I couldn't count them all if I tried, and that because I am human I will most likely continue to do so - but hopefully in a different way. I don't want them to forget my mistakes with them, because they probably can't do that, but to know that I am asking for their forgiveness.

I had this conversation with my youngest today (13 years old). There was a 'Rape Escape' presentation that was given at the school today and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I had to meet a woman from the hospital's Auxillary Volunteer Service (as you know, I am now volunteering in anticipation of someday working in healthcare when I finish my degree...praise the Lord!). I called a friend of hers to see how she was doing during the presentation and her friend told me she had burst into tears and asked to be taken back to class. I asked why and she said she didn't know, so I immediately left my meeting and went to her. She has some incest and molestation in her past, so I knew this might be hard for her. Unfortunately, there are others at her school that she has shared details with, so one told another and the gossip chain was started. During the presentation, someone made a hurtful comment to her about how she could have fended them off if she had wanted to (children brought up by careless parents can be so hurtful and callous!) and that is why she burst into tears. When I finally got to her, she was upset but not crying anymore. I sat her down on the steps and we talked for a while. While the comment was hurtful, she was more upset with herself for not having been able to do anything about the incidents when they happened (she was only four the first time), and even worse for her was not being able to forgive the people that did it to her. I told her that we should never force forgiveness, as it should come from the heart. Anything less would be cheating ourselves and causing a world of hurt while we try to pretend that we have truly forgiven, and instead we build even more resentment, not just toward them, but towards ourselves. As for forgetting, that will never happen, and it shouldn't.

The greatest thing I had to share with her was this: Our struggles and challenges, no matter how bad they were (or are), builds us up and make us into the caring and comassionate people that we are today. Without those struggles, we would not be half the person we are. Better to be beautiful on the inside than to have outer beauty and be hollow and empty inside and full of anger (like her sister, who hasn't gone through her struggles and is very vain, shallow, angry, and bitter for being such a beautiful girl on the outside). Then, I told her that although this may sound strange coming from someone who has always hated religion (but loved God wholeheartedly), but that there are some things that are too large for us to carry, and those things should be given to a power greater than ourselves, God. Let go and let God. That was my advice. For some reason, this sweet girl has the ability to forgive me for my years of crack smoking and not being there to protect her, but can't forgive herself...There is beauty and tragedy in that statement....Lord, I am thankful I found my way back to you and I lift my daughter (and all the other children who have suffered) up to you, to mend her broken heart...Praise God in all His glory!!

Bless you, Sister Sheila, for starting this group and for your choice to remain sober. You are an inspiration.

Permalink Reply by PJ Serrano on October 10, 2009 at 7:06pm

What an interesting thought. I don't know if my kids would say to me I did things that I don't remember. I am sure that I have made promises to them that I didn't come through on that I don't remember. But what ever the case I know one thing . I will always operate from a place of honesty and that can be hard with our children. Cause we don't want to believe that we would hurt our children in ways people do who are addicted to substances that cause us to be weak minded. Yet at the same time we can't stay stuck in a place of sorrow that would allow our children to stay stuck in their pain and weaknesses. I know that when I have apologize to my kids for my sinful ways, I also would move on and not let anyone especially the ones I live with to keep bringing up the past. I feel it does not help anyone. Yet I have to be patient with others when it comes to moving forward. Just because I am ready to move on with my repentance doesn't mean other's are. Yet one must move on. All I know is we must move on and not look back. its easier said then done. But we can do all things in Christ who enables us to do so.