Challenges that the separated, divorce or loss of a spouse face;

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Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on March 29, 2008 at 9:24am

Now that I said that, I would like to point out that the fact that I had children to hang onto, wasn't any consolation for me. Not only did I have to take care of them when I really didn't think I could, I had to keep myself together when I knew I couldn't. Remember I was a wreck. Everytime I looked into their eyes, my heart broke for them. Every question about why their mother left, cut me to the quick. Every holiday that they didn't have a mother, everytime they got hurt and had no mother to comfort them hurt. No, there was no consolation because I had children. You see, it doesn't matter who or what is around you in a time like this; everything will be tainted by the situation that you find yourself in.

I learned something very valuable when I went through my simular time of darkness. I learned that I can't let myself place my personal value or future on another human being or relationship. That was way too painful for me to ever want to go through that again.
That is why I only put my personal value and future in God's hands, because I know that he never changes. I may not feel like God is near, or that he even cares about me, but those are my feelings, not his failing. I don't always understand why he allows some of the painful things into my life that he does, but I know that he cares about me and loves me.

These comments are from our friend John who has given me permission to use His comments

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on March 29, 2008 at 10:03am

John brought up a couple of good point in the above post.
1. dealing with the pain of seeing our children suffer.
He said he had to keep himself together when he knew he couldn't because of his kids. That is even painful to write down.Every time he looked into their eyes his heart broke for them. This is the reason God hates divorce, because it rips and tares families apart.
When there are children envolved it is always harder even if they are older teens or adults.
2.He shared that there is no consolation by having children when facing divorce.
This really hit me because many think; Oh at least they have the children with them. Children as far as I can see make the whole painful prosscess worse on the parent. Look at Pixies comment ,single parenting.
3. John said, that He he had learned that he could not let himself place his personal value or future on another human being or relationship.
He goes on to say that he only puts his personal value and future in God's hands, because he knows God never changes

During my own journey God brought some wonderful changes into my life also;
It was so hard to meet people who I have known for year and try to relate to them with out feeling self defencive thinking they must think I am such alooser that I couldn't keep my family together. God brought to me a motto by Lloyd Ogilvie that says;
Secure in Gods love, I will not surrender my self-worth to the opinion and judgements of others. When I am rejected I will not retaliate; When I am hurt I will allow Gods love to heal me. And knowing the pain of rejection , I will seek to love those who suffer from its anguish

Please share with the group how God has helped you to put your personal value and your future in Gods hands.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on March 30, 2008 at 6:54pm

One of my challenges I have constantly had to deal with is the temptation to bet back into the whole anger, hurt, pity party thing. Since my separation my relationship with my daughter has been so strained due to everything that has happened to us. She is 17 and her life is full with school, a part time job, and her boy friend.
I am angry sometimes that this whole situation has robbed from me my relationship with her due to the limited time I get to see her now. I have sought to try to rebuild our relationship, but feel like it is all too late now. I really hate the obligation visits I get. I am sure you who have older teens have had this happen to you.
I do all I can with my limitations due to my health. I moved back to my house in an apt. so I could be in her life more, but usually our interactions are Dad I need the car .lol

Permalink Reply by Gertrude Lulabelle Liverpoor on March 31, 2008 at 11:09pm

When my husband first left our marriage after 37 years of marriage, I was devastated. I didn't see how I would go on. All I did was cry everyday and feel sorry for myself. I just felt worthless and unloved. I knew I had to pick myself up and end the pity party.
I knew I had to stop feeling anger, hurt, and resentment. I asked God to remove those feelings from my heart and he did. Somedays I still feel sad but for the most part, I have come a long way. I know that God is still working on me. He is molding me and making me what he wants me to be.

During this time alone, I have had a chance to grow in my relationship with God. I know that I am not alone and that he is with me even when it seems that he is not. I know that he loves me with an unfailing love and that he will get me through the most difficult situation that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I stay busy with work and I go to bible study, family nite and women's group at church. I also take tennis lessons. I try to stay busy and and stay in God's Word. If I didn't have the Lord to get me through this I know I couldn't have made it.

I have learned to do so many things for myself. I was so used to my husband taking care of everything. I am learning so much about myself. I am learning that I am a worthwhile human being with many special talents. I am also learning to be independent and not have to depend on anyone. The Lord is revealing so much to me about myself. He has changed me so much and I feel so much better about myself. I am no longer worried whether he will come back and work things out. At first that is all I thought about. I wanted to get back together and work out our problems. Now I am not so worried about that anymore. I don't know what God has in store for me but I know that it's for good and I know it will benefit me and bring Glory to him and that is what matters to me.

Permalink Reply by cara on April 2, 2008 at 9:12am

i hope i can be of any help lillie please ocntact me anytime
love in christ cara

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Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on April 6, 2008 at 11:20am

I really like what you said Lillie about how God is using a negative situation to help you to develop into a better person. You discribed me in my experience, I know now that even if i never get back together with my wife that I will be fine. That doesn't mean I have given up on the hope of reconciliation, I can hope for that up or until she would be married again. You know I think that now because my happiness is not determined by a relationship any more that it is very freeing in my life and flows over into all my relationships, with my children, extended family and the church.

Permalink Reply by Gertrude Lulabelle Liverpoor on April 6, 2008 at 8:49pm

Hi Bob,

I can so relate to what you are saying. I have truly developed into a better person and I am dealing with my insecurities. I feel the same way about my husband that you feel about your wife. I know that if my husband and I never get back together again, I will be just fine. For a long time, I thought I would not be able to make it. I thought that my whole world ended when he left. I have gotten past all that. This is not to say that I don't miss my marriage and wish that we could have worked things out. I still have not given up on us. I am just not going to try and talk to him anymore about reconciliation. I am not going to worry about it anymore because that is not what God wants me to do. I am leaving it totally in God's hands. Every time I interfere I just make the situation worse. It is in God's hands and if it's God's will then our marriage will be restored. I believe that All Things Are Possible With God and that nothing is too hard for him. I put all my trust in Him. I believe that God answers prayers and he will answer mine when he gets ready to change my circumstances. Until then I will wait patiently. I know that whatever he has in store for me will be truly a blessing and worth the wait!

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on April 7, 2008 at 4:45am

Lilly this discussion will heip others who are just starting to face this situation. You said; I am not going to worry about it anymore because that is not what God wants me to do. I am leaving it totally in God's hands. This reminded me of a song that ministered to me so much a year or so ago, calledit is in Gods hands now. I will share it here.

I've done all I can to please you
But I can't wipe away that frown
I'm letting go, that's how much I love you
It's in God's hands now
I gave you my heart forever
And I will keep that solemn vow
But I can't put us back together
It's in God's hands now

CHORUS:
Lord knows I cried and cried
Cause I don't want to lose you
I tried, yes, I tried
But if I'm not the one who moves you
I won't hold you down


My head is in a cloud of sorrow
But my feet are on the ground
There's hope for us as long as there's tomorrow
It's in God's hands now

Permalink Reply by Gertrude Lulabelle Liverpoor on April 7, 2008 at 10:50am

Hi Bob,

That was a beautiful song. I enjoyed it very much. It lifted my spirits. Thanks. Hope you are having a wonderful day!

Lillie

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on April 14, 2008 at 5:25pm

Lillie I know how hard it is to put it into God's hands; almost 2 years have come and gone in my case. I still have my moments when I want to take it back out of his hands and get back into the anxiety and turmoil of the past. I am learning that just for today I need to deal with the issues at hand and leave all the rest in God’s hands

Permalink Reply by Blessed Highly Favored Woman of God! on August 15, 2008 at 7:21am

This song is the most beautiful ( so true ) song I have ever hear! Those I must say were the exact words I said to my husband when I finally gave our Father the reigns because I was tired of holding on to my husband and he was pulling away, the exact words that flowed through my lips(God was speaking for me that night) and yes I still yearn for him at times and have faith in our young marriage(5yrs), He is a nonbeliever and I do feel that the father is trying to reach out to him but until then I will continue to stay focused on myself and learning the word of God. He has blessed me with two wonderful young men I have to be strong for, so I must keep moving and being that virtuous women he has called me to be.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on August 15, 2008 at 7:43am

Hi Sister(Blesses...)
I remember when God gave that song It is in God's hand now. It describe my heart. There is hope for us as long as there is tomorrow is a line in the song. It has been over 2 years since I have been separated from my wife. A year ago I moved into an apartment in the same house where my wife and 17 year old daughter live. It was a hard decision, but I felt it was the leading of the Lord. My wife is still back slidden and I am still standing for reconciliation. But I am also resting in the Lord. So it we reconcile or not it won't cause me to be moved from my strong foundation in the Lord. So I will pray for you my sister that God will strengthen you and help you with your 2 wonderful sons.

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