Challenges that the separated, divorce or loss of a spouse face;

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Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on November 8, 2008 at 6:23am

Lillie Walls,
I really identify with your comment: "I am just not going to try and talk to him any more about reconciliation".
When I separated from my wife, I had been going through a lot of counselling, and finally came to the conclusion that the real problem was my relationship with my wife. The children were all grown up and left home. What I found was, we needed to talk about our feelings. Something which we had never done. What happened was, my wife refused to enter into any sharing about her feelings. This left us able to talk about the weather and not much else. The stress grew between us because of this lack of sharing. The only way I could see to heal myself, because I was struggling with depression, was to separate. As soon as I did, then, I found myself improving.
After several years of improvement and healing, I noticed that I was going round in circles in my life. The Lord showed me that what I needed now was help from others. I still needed to sort out my relationship with my wife. I found it with a Christian Course called "Breakthrough" here in my home town. It is designed to help separated and divorced. To be with others in the same boat was a tremendous comfort and encouragement.
We had to become aware of our feelings and find how to work with them. We were also led through all the practical issues involved and the help available. Part of this was, the course emphasized that we should try to reconcile first. If this was unsuccessful then to work through whatever we needed to do to get on with our own lives. This might include divorce.
Unhapppily I found my wife refused repeatedly to even think about reconciliation.
But I realized my life was in a sort of limbo; I was married, but with none of the support or life of marriage, and this led to it being impossible for me to move forward in my life. So the only recourse was divorce. The divorce was finalized in October last year. Since then, after getting used to the idea, and going through the feelings involved, I find that my life is a lot clearer and with a feeling of being able to move ahead into whatever the Lord wants me to do.

You will notice I have talked here a lot about feelings, and the practical and emotional issues involved. And I haven't talked about the Lord and His leading and enabling in all this. As I see it, there is a good reason for this

It is sometimes said that we should not listen to our feelings, but to just get on with life. But what I discovered in my own life was that I had been doing this ever since I was a very young child, with abusive parents who insisted that I did what I was told and not to cry. So I did. Only to become ill and enter into terrible emotional problems in my 50's. Repression of our feelings is a necesary part of life, but not to the point where we deny them and refuse to work through them.

Well, what is it like as a Christian when you work with your feelings like this?
I found it does not shelter you from the depth of the feelings involved. It is utterly dreadful. I have been in very dark places in myself indeed. And this as a Christian missionary.
But what I did find was that my Heavenly Father did not treat me like my parents had. His Fatherhood was just as real now as before. That my Saviour Jesus walked with me in it. And He could do this because not only had He died to save me, but He had experienced in His own life and experience while on earth all the pain, terror, anxiety, fear, anger, despair, loneliness, darkness, and all and any of the feelings that we go through. And because of this He invited me into His glorious presence to receive forgiveness of my sins only through His mercy and grace, rest and refreshment in His love for me and to learn from Him now how to live for Him.

Derek

Permalink Reply by Kris on May 1, 2008 at 6:28pm

i have been divorced for 5yrs and no children which I thank God for it was a rough marriage. I couldn't put children through what God made me stronger enough to get through. It is still difficult being alone after 5yrs. Dating is harder now. I pray that I am allowing God to lead me but being alone isn't always easy.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on May 4, 2008 at 3:34pm

Your right being alone is not easy; God cares about you and wants you to know that He has a wonderful plan for your life. I never knew what it was like to be lonely until I found myself separated after a 25 year marriage. I have learned that with Christ we can have a fulfilling life. My brother in-law lost his dear wife after 22 years of marriage and He will face loneliness. Loneliness is real and can be debilitating if we do not through the help of the Spirit of God find ways to deal with it that are appropriate, and He will help us to realize that it isn't another person in our life that will remove the loneliness, but as we draw near to Christ, He will lead us and help us to discover ways to overcome this huge issues. Remember, God promises to give families to the lonely.

Permalink Reply by mary jamieson on June 30, 2008 at 2:52pm

HI. I was married at 18 without the thought of what it ment, at the time my parents were catholic and church of england, i remember being dressed in orange and green to suit their beliefs, my husband was an alter boy and after we married, i found out he did not believe in god and thought when u die u just die thats it. i always love to talk to god and talk to he most of the night.i would pray for evryone apart from we devorced after 17yrs of marrige, and my mum had just died and i had lost a baby, my heart must of cry out and i met ron who mum had just died of cancer too, and we were both called to billy garaham, life changed after that, for good and bad as we were walking gods path to holyness, we both heard the angle of the lord speak to us (i am the alpha and omega whom shall be first shall be last and whom shall be last shall be first) The more visions dreams and blessings the more we realised how small and how great is our god, and the reason why jesus had to die, for all flesh and all mankind. ron is still my friend and we were married, only because we were forced to as we were living together, and the church at the time did not allow it that was 20yrs ago, we are devorced only to alow ron to marry if he wants, and to allow him the choice to follow the lord or not to, even though we went to bily graham together , our hearts and thoughts were so different, and he was not ready to give his life to the lord until 2 yrs ago, and to pray the lords will be done and mean it. we both know now how GOD treats evryone different and with respect for the own thoughts and allows them to chooose, with all the grace and love, we both know too the that the time of the lords grace is in the fathers hands and we cannot take too much for granted, we know we are going the right way, and sometimes stop, be careful when u pull them out you dont get pulled in, xxx

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on June 30, 2008 at 5:55pm

You have a wonderful testimony, my mother-in law was divorsced as a catholic and felt so condemned until she also met the Lord at 60 years old. She is with the lord now for a few years, but she was so glad that the blood of Jesus washes away all our sin of our past , present , and future. When we make mistakes we just admit it was wrong and we are cleanced 1John 1:9.
God bless sister. i Gotto make sure i befriend Ron.
Bob

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on June 21, 2008 at 11:52am

One of the hardest things i deal with being separated is that my 17 year old daughter loves to sow strife between me and her mother by talking about our personal discussion, then my wife will come and say; Now what did you say to...
I just find myself going into this selfdefencive mode, that ends up causing me to want to pull my hair out. I told my daughter this morning that if she had an issue with me to come to me with it, and if I said or did anything to offend her that I would make it right with her.

Permalink Reply by mary jamieson on June 30, 2008 at 3:12pm

through it all i learnt to trust in jesus and learnt to trust in GOD I CAN SEE WHAT A WONDERFULL MAN GOD IS MAKING OUT OF RON, AND HUSBAND NO 1 HOW HAD HIS HEART SIRCOMSIZED (IF THATS HOW U SPELL IT) MY SON IN LAW HAS COME TO KNOW THE LORD JESUS AND MET A YOUNG WOMEN IN CHURCH THEY HAD BOTH LOST PARTNERS THROUGH DEATH,MY GRANDSON GOD BLESS HIM HE IS BLESSED FOR ALL HE GIVES OUT EVEN THOUGH HE HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. HES 18 THIS YEAR AND IS A BELIEVER , LEADS A YOUTH GROUP IN CHURCH, BUT WE ARE ALL ON DIFFERENT LEVELS OF THE LADDER TO OUT lORD JESUS AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO BE PAITIENT WITH HIS IDEAS AND HE HAD TO BE PATIENT WITH MINE, GOD GIVE US ALL THE STRENGHT TO LIVE HIS LIFE, STENGHTEN US OH LORD IN THE INNERBEING THROUGH YOUR HOLYSPIRIT AMEN

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on June 30, 2008 at 5:46pm

Praise God that you can see the how the Lord is working in your family. it is a wonderful testimony to the grace of God. We would have never chosen the path that many of us have had to walk, loosing a spouse, going through the pain of separation and divorce, but in the valley times, those dark times we go through, we find God himself with us and helps us to go through the valley of sorrow so we once again come to those rivers of joy .

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