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wife who has unclean home due to abuse situation
In a case I know of, the parents are neglectful as in not keeping the home clean. The children and an elderly, handicapped, live-in grand dad are trapped in this form of neglect/abuse. The Christian wife/mother loves her young children and her father and is responsible to meet their needs in most other ways. But her home is very dirty since she works non-stop at developing a business in order to get free of her unsaved husband who is abusive. The children/grandfather are suffering in these unclean conditions. Any ideas how they can cope until the mom can get free of her abusive husband?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jane Smith on
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This woman is a strong believer. She is waiting on God to know when the time is right to ask her husband to leave.. Her husband has never physically abused her. It is the opposite problem. He was raised in a very dysfunctional family and has never learned what it is to be real. He's a pretender who pretended to be a Christian but makes no effort to grow in Christ and is sucking away the life of her and her children due to his passivity. He can not make godly decisions for himself or the family, so there is constant turmoil due to his using poor judgment that affects the family. If she seeks a divorce, he can get partial custody of the kids and then she will no longer be able to protect her kids from him and other wrong influences he would surely bring around the kids. Of course, she and the kids are prevented from growing and having peace as things are, but as long as she is there her husband will not do anything worse. They are like hostages. I wrote about this in my other post in regard to another lady I am trying to help. These ladies can get away, but if they do divorce, they can not be there to protect their children when it is the dad's turn to take them for visitation. So, it is like they are in a Catch 22. Many women, even godly women, are stuck like this.There is also the question mark of whether the men will become violent if the wives leave. With knowing more of the details do you have anything more to suggest?
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Permalink Reply by Leonard T on
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Jane,
It is difficult to give clear advise on such a situation when we only have second hand information and there are usually numerous extenuating circumstances. You have mentioned abuse, but then stated that there isn't any physical abuse taking place. What type of abuse are you talking about, as the concept of what is abuse can be very subjective.
I have a question. On what Biblical grounds does she have to ask her husband to leave in light of the fact that there is no physical abuse, nor is there a report of adultery? Keep in mind that one's spouse being an unbeliever is not grounds for divorce. Read 1 Corinthians 7:1-16, paying close attention to verses 10-16.
It is a tough situation, but she entered into a marriage covenant and the covenant is not easily broken.
Lord Bless,
LT
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LT,
The abuse is due to the husband being unsaved. He is double minded in all his ways and can not be depended on to act like a mature man. He has most of the qualities of the flesh and almost no godly qualities, so naturally this is not a husband/father who they can look up to. He has little sense of priorities which hurts his family constantly.
In my opinion physical abuse is terrible, but so are the other types of abuse. And there is physical adultery, but there is also spiritual adultery where a person loves other things more than God, his wife and children. We all have hurtful things in our past. Some come to Jesus and get victory through the Word, but others try to avoid that process. Should a wife and children be subject to a man who goes year after year without facing himself and God? Is this what the Bible teaches?
This man is open to counseling and even deliverance ministry. He says he wants to get free and do what is right, but he makes no effort on his own to help himself. He has expressed that he thinks demons are preventing him from having the will to actively seek God. I have read some books lately that say it is true that some people can not freely reach out to God until they get delivered by a deliverance minister. Do you believe this or do you think a person can turn his will toward God anytime he wants without deliverance?
This husband had a tough life as a boy. There was abuse in his family of various forms. He can not remember much of his childhood. He and his wife have counseled with a pastor and several Christian couples at different times, but nothing has helped. That is why they are looking into deliverance ministry at this time as a last ditch effort to save their marriage.
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Jane,
As tough of a situation as it may be, the fact that he is an unbeliever in of itself does not give grounds for divorce. There are only one of two possiblities here. Both she and her husband were unsaved when they married and she got saved later or she was saved and he wasn't saved when they got married. In either case she chose to marry the man and God takes the marriage covenant serious. 2 Cor. 7 is pretty clear regarding this situation and what is expected of her.
The fact that he is willing to seek help, or at least participate is encouraging. many men will not even take those steps.
Lord Bless,
LT
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LT,
Or it could be possible that he was saved, but back slid. But yes, the case here was she was saved, but he had Churchianity. See my new post to David for additional comments. And I agree that it is a hopeful sign when a man will go for counseling or deliverance ministry (you didn't say if you think deliverance is a valid form of ministry). I am trying to be a supportive friend to this couple. I am trying to discern if this husband truly wants help or not, because he seems to do well for about a day after someone has counseled with him, but then acts like he has total amnesia of what he has learned after that. I've learned a lot about discernment, but have a lot more to learn.In fact, anyone who wants to pray for my discernment to grow please do. Also, I have an unspoken prayer request for anyone who wants to lift me up today for that TY..
jane
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Permalink Reply by Bruce on
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Hi Jane
as a male who has backslid in the past - i think he needs to make a firm decision with his life - in particular, how much he values her. If he loves her, maybe stay away for a while. secretly he may feel he is losing control of the situation and therefore slides back in an effort to regain control. realistically, he may not change. Agreeing to seek help is fine, but if no solid deceision comes from it, she is left in a poor situation. separation is not divorce. if she is being physically or mentally abused she is in danger. In the end, if she feels she cannot get the abuse t stop she may start to feel it is hopeless and look at taking drastic steps with her own life.
when you pray you will reecive dscernement. See what God says about her safety, then you will know what to do - hope this helps - God Bless.
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Hi Bruce,
She has realized for a long time now that her husband has deep issues from his childhood yrs.. She has bent over backwards, sacrificing yrs. of her and their childrens' lives to be loving, kind and patient with him. He totally acknowledges that she has been a dear wife and he admits the problem is with him. At first it was hard to understand what was going on with him. He does not smoke, cuss, drink, use drugs, get consumed with sports or tv or run around with friends. He's never missed going to work and helped her adequately with the home and children. But the thing she noticed was he liked to work on his hobby every chance he could and had zero initiative when it came to growing spiritually, or leading his family spiritually, and had an unnatural attachment to his parents/siblings who are all very ungodly people. For ex., as early as their wedding, his father and brother talked him into going to a bar. She learned that soon that he didn't have a back bone when it came to compromise when it came to his family's influence. He told her he knew it was wrong the minute he did it and told her he was sorry and would never do it again. He said he would regret it the rest of his life. It was mainly his father that he was trying to connect with, because as my friend later found out, his father had always favored his older brother and he had grown up clinging to his mother due to his father's rejection. His father was an ungodly man, although a church leader, and his mother was a doormat type who turned her face from her husband's immorality. His father's rejection caused him to have deep wounds and insecurities that profoundly affected the type of man he has become. This, she has seen played out in their relationship time and again. She noticed that every time his family called (they live in another state) he would get very euphoric and when they visited it would be another episode of him compromising with some wrong thing they influenced him to do- not breaking the law, but breaking God's standards for a husband and father and opening her and the children up to Satan's mischief. Much of their marriage has been about helping him to see that he must break the influence they have had over him and that you don't compromise with sin even if it is your family. He agreed he must keep them at a distance, because each time they visited he would fall into something wrong with them. So, then the thrust in their marriage has been that he needed to make an effort to start growing spiritually. This is where he has faltered time and again. His hobby has been more important to him than spiritual study. The devil has often sent people to him to waste his time. Although he has not gotten involved with the unsaved neighbors or guys at work, he has never gotten motivated to develop himself as a Christian. He has had no sense of keeping the house and yard clean with his wife (she works as many hrs as he does), keeping the house and cars in good repair (despite the fact that he is very talented and can repair just about anything), guiding his wife and children spiritually. This is a case of a guy who is unraveling more and more, is inconsistent, has a poor sense of boundaries, can't discipline their children in a balanced way. He is usually miserable, complaining, up and down all the time. He can't be a husband and father as he is so out of balance. The kids love him as all kids love their father, but now that they are getting a little older, they are starting to see what he is like and have concerns. They recognize his discipline of them is too abrupt without patience and that he does not hug them and show them God's love after paddling them. His wife has confronted him on this lately and he has admitted how ashamed he is, but in all sorts of circumstances he will admit he is ashamed of his behavior yet go right back to it. It's like he has had no motivation whatsoever to face his demons yet he readily admits he needs deliverance. Question is where does one find a deliverance minister- a true one like LT spoke of? And it has been difficult to discern so far if this truly is a case of demonic oppression or if this man is simply rebellious causing his life to spiral out of control. He has admitted he knows he has made life miserable for everyone in the family including his wife's godly, Christian handicapped father who lives with them. Imagine the discomfort of seeing his daughter and grandchildren with this unbalanced guy, yet being handicapped, he can not reason with his son-in law. He needs to be ministered to, but the family problems always prevent him from getting the care he needs, yet he is a loving grandfather and keeps the situation in prayer. So, no, the husband has not physically abused anyone, but he is robbing their lives away little by little with his unbalanced behavior. Each time they have had a separation he has been contrite for awhile, but then he is soon back into his unbalanced behavior. Yes, this is a form of control, but his wife does not feel it is purposeful. She often says that he is like Satan's puppet. He has such a poor sense of himself no doubt from the childhood rejection and abuse he suffered, that he has had little sense of how to act in quite a few areas. The wife is not afraid of him. She feels Satan is controlling him, and if she was to divorce him, her biggest worry is that she would not know how he is treating their young children when he has visitation and that he would possibly go back to live near his ungodly family bringing wrong influences around their children. So her only hope left is that if she can find a true deliverance minister for him that he might get delivered. Yes, like you said, the chances are slim that he would change. But this is the only hope left and no one can know what will happen unless this is tried. This guy is like a lot of husbands. He is taking his family down with him as he does not surrender to God, but at least he says he wants to get help. His wife previously got him books where other men who had problems like his tell their testimonies of how they surrendered to God. He read a couple of the books and agreed he is unraveling just like they did, and he said he knows he needs deliverance as the demons confuse his mind so much that he can't focus on the books anymore. Their 3rd separation, his wife suggested to him that he go on a hiking trip so he could attempt to connect with God. She needed to get him away from the family as he was driving everyone crazy. She sincerely hoped that by his being free from all work and family responsibilities that it might give him the impetus to relax and do some soul searching. He knew perfectly well that this was the purpose of the giant sacrifice she made for him, but, as usual, he forgot all about that and lost his focus- it was just a fun vacation for him! She was willing for him to stay gone as long as it took for him to connect with God, but after about one month, he started charging things beyond what they had agreed upon on a credit card, so she stopped the credit card and had to tell him he could return home. He could not connect with God on the trail anymore than at home. He said it did help him somewhat, but he still did not have a breakthrough, and since returning, is more miserable acting then ever. This took place a few months ago. I'm sure her husband doesn't want to lose his children. But he has told his wife he has no idea what love is- that he has never felt love. He is just so lost. I know this is quite a sad story. From ministering to different women God has brought across my path it amazes me how strategically Satan has damaged men in childhood so that they can not function as husbands. It is always the same scenario while a different set of circumstances and a different flavor of dysfunction, so to speak, but Satan achieves the same results.
jane
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Hi Bruce,
She has realized for a long time now that her husband has deep issues from his childhood yrs.. She has bent over backwards, sacrificing yrs. of her and their children's lives to be loving, kind and patient with him. He totally acknowledges that she has been a dear wife and he admits the problem is with him. At first it was hard to understand what was going on with him. He does not smoke, cuss, drink, use drugs, get consumed with sports or tv or run around with friends. He's never missed going to work and helped her adequately with the home and children. But the thing she noticed was he liked to work on his hobbie every chance he could and had zero initiative when it came to growing spiritually, or leading his family spiritually, and had an unnatural attachment to his parents/siblings who are all very ungodly people. For ex., as early as their wedding, his father and brother talked him into going to a bar. She learned that soon that he didn't have a back bone when it came to compromise when it came to his family's influence. He told her he knew it was wrong the minute he did it and told her he was sorry and would never do it again. He said he would regret it the rest of his life. It was mainly his father that he was trying to connect with, because as my friend later found out, his father had always favored his older brother and he had grown up clinging to his mother due to his father's rejection. His father was an ungodly man, although a church leader, and his mother was a doormat type who turned her face from her husband's immorality. His father's rejection caused him to have deep wounds and insecurites that profoundly affected the type of man he has become. This, she has seen played out in their relationship time and again. She noticed that everytime his family called (they live in another state) he would get very euphoric and when they visited it would be another episode of him compromising with some wrong thing they influenced him to do- not breaking the law, but breaking God's standards for a husband and father and opening her and the children up to Satan's mischief. Much of their marriage has been about helping him to see that he must break the influence they have had over him and that you don't compromise with sin even if it is your family. He agreed he must keep them at a distance, because each time they visited he would fall into something wrong with them. So, then the thrust in their marriage has been that he needed to make an effort to start growing spiritually. This is where he has faltered time and again. His hobby has been more important to him than spiritual study. The devil has often sent people to him to waste his time. Although he has not gotten involved with the unsaved neighbors or guys at work, he has never gotten motivated to develop himself as a Christian. He has had no sense of keeping the house and yard clean with his wife (she works as many hrs as he does), keeping the house and cars in good repair (despite the fact that he is very talented and can repair just about anything), guiding his wife and children spiritually. This is a case of a guy who is unraveling more and more, is inconsistent, has a poor sense of boundaries, can't discipline their children in a balanced way. He is usually miserable, complaining, up and down all the time. He can't be a husband and father as he is so out of balance. The kids love him as all kids love their father, but now that they are getting a little older, they are starting to see what he is like and have concerns. They recognize his discipline of them is too abrupt without patience and that he does not hug them and show them God's love after paddling them. His wife has confronted him on this lately and he has admitted how ashamed he is, but in all sorts of circumstances he will admit he is ashamed of his behavior yet go right back to it. It's like he has had no motivation whatsoever to face his demons yet he readily admits he needs deliverance. Question is where does one find a deliverance minister- a true one like LT spoke of? And it has been difficult to discern so far if this truly is a case of demonic opression or if this man is simply rebellious causing his life to spiral out of control. He has admitted he knows he has made life miserable for everyone in the family including his wife's godly, Christian handicapped father who lives with them. Imagine the discomfort of seeing his daughter and grandchildren with this unbalanced guy, yet being handicapped, he can not reason with his son-in law. He needs to be ministered to, but the family problems always prevent him from getting the care he needs, yet he is a loving grandfather and keeps the situation in prayer. So, no, the husband has not physically abused anyone, but he is robbing their lives away little by little with his unbalanced behavior. Each time they have had a separation he has been contrite for awhile, but then he is soon back into his unbalanced behavior. Yes, this is a form of control, but his wife does not feel it is purposeful. She often says that he is like Satan's puppet. He has such a poor sense of himself no doubt from the childhood rejection and abuse he suffered, that he has had little sense of how to act in quite a few areas. The wife is not afraid of him. She feels Satan is controlling him, and if she was to divorce him, her biggiest worry is that she would not know how he is treating their young children when he has visitation and that he would possibly go back to live near his ungodly family bringing wrong influences around their children. So her only hope left is that if she can find a true deliverance minister for him that he might get delivered. Yes, like you said, the chances are slim that he would change. But this is the only hope left and no one can know what will happen unless this is tried. This guy is like a lot of husbands. He is taking his family down with him as he does not surrender to God, but at least he says he wants to get help. His wife previously got him books where other men who had problems like his tell their testimonies of how they surrendered to God. He read a couple of the books and agreed he is unraveling just like they did, and he said he knows he needs deliverance as the demons confuse his mind so much that he can't foucs on the books anymore. Their 3rd separation, his wife suggested to him that he go on a hiking trip so he could attempt to connect with God. She needed to get him away from the family as he was driving everyone crazy. She sincerely hoped that by his being free from all work and family responsibilities that it might give him the impetus to relax and do some soul searching. He knew perfectly well that this was the purpose of the giant sacrifice she made for him, but, as usual, he forgot all about that and lost his focus- it was just a fun vacation for him! She was willing for him to stay gone as long as it took for him to connect with God, but after about one month, he started charging things beyond what they had agreed upon on a credit card, so she stopped the credit card and had to tell him he could return home. He could not connect with God on the trail anymore than at home. He said it did help him somewhat, but he still did not have a breakthrough, and since returning, is more miserable acting then ever. This took place a few months ago. I'm sure her husband doesn't want to lose his children. But he has told his wife he has no idea what love is- that he has never felt love. He is just so lost. I know this is quite a sad story. From ministering to different women God has brought across my path it amazes me how strategically Satan has damaged men in childhood so that they can not function as husbands. It is always the same scenario while a different set of circumstances and a different flavor of dysfunction, so to speak, but Satan achieves the same results.
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Jane,
My heart goes out to this couple, but in all that I have read I do not see the grounds for her to divorce him. There are several issues here that yu have brought up (and yes I read the post to David). If he was playing church and is not saved, then she is free if he leaves or if he commits adultery by having sex with another person. In the first case she can let him go. In the second she can leave. If he was saved and backslid he is a Christian in rebellion and only adultery would be grounds for divorce.
Regarding deliverance, if one means casting out demons today, absolutely I believe in this and have been involved. I caution one to be careful when approcahing this type of ministry. 1) there are a lot of bogus/false teachers who proclaim they are invovled in deliverance ministry. Some probably believe they are really casting out demons (See Acts 19). 2) Demons are formidable foes and need to be addressed with caution and Scripturally in the authority of Jesus.
In your post to David you spoke to an inportant issue. A pastor should not marry unevenly yoked people. One must do all they can to discern if they are both saved. I don't marry unevenly yoked and rarely marry anyone outside the church I pastor. The second one is a personal choice.
I lifted a prayer up for you. May God bless you and guide you as you seek to help this couple.
Lord Bless,
LT
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LT,
In researching deliverance ministry, I so agree that much of it sounds very bogus. On the other hand, some of the info. I have found sounds factual. I definitely intend to be very careful as I go down this road.
I'm glad that you agree with my statement about the wrongness of pastors who marry couples without discerning if they are unequally yoked. Glad you are one who does not do this.
TY for lifting me up as I minister to this couple. This is a learning process for me, but God certainly has used me since I make myself available for His service.
God Bless!
jane
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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When God makes us aware of this type of situations is so we can meet the needs of the member of the body of Christ. You could ask for volunteers in the church to help her out until things get better. How old are the kids? Can they help?
This is the kind of situation where the church steps in and helps. Of course the abusive husband can deny the help and may make it difficult for those that want to help, but it's a wonderful opportunity to witness to the whole house. The pastor should talk to the Church members that can help and visit the home.
Since you did not specify what the nature of the abuse is I will not comment much on that. No abuse is acceptable of course, but there are situations that a person can continue to live with the abusive person without suffering physical pain. I do realize that verbal abuse is very damaging as well. There are situations where is wise to separate and allow God to work in the reconciliation process. The safety and well being of the spouse suffering is important.
Asked members of the church to pitch in and help the sister with the pastor’s approval. Is the family church members? Could you make a schedule that includes others in the Church to help the sister?
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I agree very much that it seems like The Church should step in. In the first new Testament churches, they applied church discipline. But in today's churches for the most part, this does not occur. Most pastors, no doubt, would be afraid to confront a husband who is not living right for fear that he might become violent. There would be almost no one in most churches who could go to this sister's home and help clean it for her as they would probably have so many problems of their own, that they either could not help this lady or they themselves would not be the right people to come in this lady's home due to their own ungodliness. This sister's children are young, so they can not help clean. The real problem is, what can a godly woman do when her husband is sucking the life away from his family, because he refuses to grow?
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