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Abusive spouse
I recently spoke to someone who had stayed with an abusive spouse because they believed they should because God commands it, or perhaps it was that He prefers it. I told them that I feel the church has done more harm in teaching this.
OK so we know that God hates divorce. But He also knows our weaknesses and so He allowed divorce in certain circumstances. There's been discussion on being unequally yoked and people seem to think it means not to marry an unbeliever but if already married they should remain together. Sometimes people point to 1 Corinthians 7, specifically:
I was listening to Scripture this morning and heard something in this passage that caused me to stop the playback and take a closer look. Then in looking at the entire chapter, I realized some things that I really hadn't noticed before.
Now none of this means I feel people should run out and divorce. But neither should anyone subject themselves to abuse based on erroneous teaching. While all Scripture is useful, there are things to note.
OK let's stop here. Paul is allowed, or permitted, to say these things but God never commanded it of people. But there's good advice here. But he continues with the thought...
People usually point out that this part is Paul's preference. That he was speaking of his thoughts on this and not God speaking. But we continue...
So here we go...PAUL'S preference. And he specifically let us know that God did not say this. And he spoke only of the unbelieving spouse, not the abusive one. We can address slaves or servants in a similar context. As Paul continues, he mentions this.
Again, we are quick to point out that God never condoned slavery. Why think He condoned abuse simply because Paul was speaking his own feelings on all of this. Then we get to...
Paul still speaking his thoughts, not God's, states marriage isn't a sin. And he was never claiming any of this chapter to be a sin because God did not command it.
So telling people they sin if they divorce an abuser is NOT what God has said.
And I speak this...not God. ;-)
OK so we know that God hates divorce. But He also knows our weaknesses and so He allowed divorce in certain circumstances. There's been discussion on being unequally yoked and people seem to think it means not to marry an unbeliever but if already married they should remain together. Sometimes people point to 1 Corinthians 7, specifically:
If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
I was listening to Scripture this morning and heard something in this passage that caused me to stop the playback and take a closer look. Then in looking at the entire chapter, I realized some things that I really hadn't noticed before.
Now none of this means I feel people should run out and divorce. But neither should anyone subject themselves to abuse based on erroneous teaching. While all Scripture is useful, there are things to note.
1 Corinthians 71 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
OK let's stop here. Paul is allowed, or permitted, to say these things but God never commanded it of people. But there's good advice here. But he continues with the thought...
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. 10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
People usually point out that this part is Paul's preference. That he was speaking of his thoughts on this and not God speaking. But we continue...
12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
So here we go...PAUL'S preference. And he specifically let us know that God did not say this. And he spoke only of the unbelieving spouse, not the abusive one. We can address slaves or servants in a similar context. As Paul continues, he mentions this.
20 Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called. 21 Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.
Again, we are quick to point out that God never condoned slavery. Why think He condoned abuse simply because Paul was speaking his own feelings on all of this. Then we get to...
28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
Paul still speaking his thoughts, not God's, states marriage isn't a sin. And he was never claiming any of this chapter to be a sin because God did not command it.
So telling people they sin if they divorce an abuser is NOT what God has said.
And I speak this...not God. ;-)
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JB on
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Very good observation Seek, but I will almost guarantee you religion will show up sooner or later. lol
JB
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on
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JB, God hates divorce. Paul isn't changing what Jesus taught about divorce. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended." Matthew 19:8. Paul is making it clear that when he says he would prefer people to remain unmarried, that it's him speaking and not God, and Paul is speaking to the unmarried when saying this. To the married, Paul isn't saying divorce is OK but is saying A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Verse 40 of 1 Cor 7 says Paul's advice that it is better to remain unmarried is anointed by Holy Spirit.
40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Here is the teaching of Jesus concerning divorce http://biblehub.com/parallelgospels/The_Teaching_of_Jesus_Concernin...
Are the teachings of Jesus truth or just religion? Since God hates divorce and since it began being permitted by Moses and not by God then divorce of believers for any reason is certainly choosing to not "live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them."
What about this part of 1 Cor 7? Is it religion?
17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.
21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings.24 Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them. NIV
In the case of an abusive spouse, separate! But do so with the intent to reconcile after seeking healing of the relationship and if the abusive spouse commits adultery during the separation, then follow what Jesus said, realizing there is the option also to forgive and continue the relationship.
Context is very important in scripture interpretation and 1 Cor 7 is an excellent example where division of verses and passages is misleading. Let's also remember Paul is writing to believers. The world is going to act like the world but believers have a much higher calling.
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Permalink Reply by Seek on
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A higher calling yes. But we're also told to have nothing to do with ungodlyness. With good reason. I have a friend now who was saved and attended church faithfully, raising her kids in the church. Her husband however, while claiming Christianity, drops in and out of church, smokes, drinks, cusses, tells dirty jokes, etc. It has influenced her and she hasn't been to church in several months now. Living with the ungodly person, sharing the home together can affect the believers spirituality.
Moses didn't permit divorce. He only spoke what God had him speak. He was permitting it because God had him permit it.
Since Christ said whoever looks upon a woman to lust has already committed adultery, does it mean his wife can divorce him because he looked?
Of course God doesn't like divorce but the ones He always spoke to were His chosen. Many marry not of what God joined together but because they do not know God. But once they accept Christ, they may now be left married to an unbeliever. The unbeliever may be a good person and you stay and they see you serving God and may turn to Him. But if the unbeliever is ungodly, harming the believer and leading them away from God...God doesn't want us lured away. Staying would be counterproductive.
There's a lot goes into it by the context of the whole of Scripture and not something taken lightly. But neither should anyone be guilted into thinking God intended them to stay where they were being abused.
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Adultery is a commandment and God has clearly outlined the ways it is committed. Separate from an abusive person or a contentious person, etc...as I mentioned! My response to JB still stands and is biblically correct. Sin is sin and can't be justified or excused and two wrongs never make a right. I certainly agree that it's difficult to live with contention and as the verse in proverbs says it would be better not to live with it but it isn't biblical grounds for divorce. I have nothing more to add, and if I'm wrong in my POV then I ask others on AAG leadership to correct me. I'm still learning, too, and what you've said isn't enough to convince me that God is OK with divorce for anything other than adultery. When an unbelieving spouse departs from a marriage, then scripture says the believing spouse isn't under bondage in that situation. Other than those two situations, breaking the covenant of marriage hasn't changed according to God's enlightenment upon the subject. In fact, if God has changed His mind and now says divorce is no longer sinful in some cases such as the one you've brought up, then I must say I can no longer trust God to keep His covenants with us either. Food for thought. I have nothing more to add.
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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But if the unbeliever is ungodly, harming the believer and leading them away from God...God doesn't want us lured away. Staying would be counterproductive. - In this statement, I believe if it's just the situation of luring the believer away, shouldn't the believer have a stronger foundation than to be "led away"? If the believer was being harmed physically, of course, that would be a different scenario altogether.
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I don't know how anyone gets stronger until they've walked with God and been in the Word awhile. But if not given the opportunity to grow, they can be stifled. Yet if the church says you have to stay in a situation that will physically or spiritually harm you without examining what is happening or acting like the church and providing help in time of need, then the church can be guilty of helping to lead one astray. I'm not talking about a spouse who doesn't go to church with you or doesn't want you spending the household funds on tithes, but if you live in a bad situation, there needs to be some consideration here. The church could help with a place to stay while they speak to the abuser, offer counseling, something more than just oh well, you're stuck.
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I would also need to know an example because I don't see any situation where someone is being pulled away if they are grounded in the Lord.
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Isn't that up to the person to grow though?
It's almost as if, when two people are in a dysfunctional relationship, they both remain blind to their own personal responsibility for the dysfunctional pattern, and often are too proud to admit their own personal sin is contributing to the failure of the relationship (the marriage) just as much as, if not more than, the other person's is. Each blames the other and seeks to justify self.
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