how long does it take?

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Permalink Reply by Kim Dupee on September 20, 2008 at 5:54pm

she is 18 and he is 31 or 32

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Permalink Reply by Ramona P. Jacobsz on September 21, 2008 at 3:14am

Dearest Kim

I am an "old" lady... although I am so young at heart because my heart is filled with the LOVE OF JESUS... and before answering your 'COMPLEX' question, I did a lot of praying and I come up with a few answers, which I hope will make you or your friend THINK... (BECAUSE GOD GAVE US A MIND... AND HE GIVES US CHOICES)...ALTHOUGH HE IS ALMIGHTY HE ALLOWS US TO CHOOSE... Unfortunately some young people make wrong choices because they do not ASK God what HE WANTS...

As an esperienced mother and grandmother I quote regularly (even to myself) in order to keep me on my toes: FOOLS RUSH WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD...

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer

Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they've found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, "I'm getting married because I found my soul mate"?

He Knows My Inner Being

Never fully defined in any literature, the term "soul mate" is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. I have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it's a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…

has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…

sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found "the one," you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn't work with my ex because he was the "wrong one." Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.

Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone "just like me." Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. I am not saying that having things in common isn't important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.

Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don't fall into the trap of the "soul mate mentality" and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.

I truly do not believe in LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! (It does sometimes happen but that is not the norm)... (It might turn out to be HATE AT THE SECOND SIGHT!) The ideal man or woman may disappoint you on your first date and you could find some "ugly" habits creeping to the fore which you, as a Christian, cannot condone. Some people are naive enough to believe that :"If our love is strong, I can change him or her"... It does not always happen because "him" or "her" has a free choice (given by God) and they may not choose to change.

So my motherly advice to any young man or girl is : TAKE TIME TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER..... AND LAST, BUT NEVER THE LEAST: PRAY TOGETHER AND ASK GOD TO LEAD YOU AND GUIDE YOU before making any decisions. Sometimes ending a "friendship" can hurt - but ending a "marriage" can be a disaster!

All the advice or comments I have made have been made in love because I asked JESUS to guide me in answering this MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION.

Hugs and warm love in our Savior Jesus
Ramona P.

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Permalink Reply by swtswan on September 20, 2008 at 5:55pm

Well Kim,I can only speak for myself;because I pretty much knew after 3 days;but I hadnt asked God for His choice;I only asked Him to send me someone,during hard times of my life.I should have been more specific about the qualities I wanted in a husband;even though I am still with this man today; It was a 31yr. struggle of drug abuse. And he still has dreams of the devil trying to lure him back to the dark side.It will be a life long struggle for my husband:And God has let him live form visions for prayers for him(5,I know of)& I vision I had;which has been confirmed by my husband.where he could have died,horribly. I would have Ur friend Pray for God to bring her the husband God chooses for her,not what the man saysfor right now(obviously he sees her as a wonderful wife/or as someone he can walk over....I dont regret my choices;because God has been w/me through it all;even when I could have changed my mind,& said no.I chose to help this human being,God put in my life and; it's the cross I bear proudly;for God has given me the 3 most wonderful kids a parent could ask for.(I Prayed,& lifted them up to God to Bless them before the were born & afterwards,& that He is their father;& that I was just borrowing them.(And Yes I did ask for a few things like Hlthy,beautiful,smart,close to Him always etc;...And God gave me all I asked for & more. I couldn't be Happier. <+++>

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Permalink Reply by swtswan on September 20, 2008 at 6:05pm

Also;when he started doing drugs;I fooled my self into thinking it was just a passing fad,& would fade in time;it didnt. Its been barely 3 yrs since he stopped the drugs;but drinks 8 beers a day /U figure the costs.God is working on him as he slowly lets God in more into his life,and acknowledges @ times that I have helped him in many ways;I tell him Its not me; But by GOD's graces,and not anything Ive done.(I just try to stay steady in the holy spirit,and show by example for my kids.) <+> Ur friend needs to step back & wait awhile for God to direct her in major decisions.She will be glad she did.

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Permalink Reply by Darlene Hight on September 21, 2008 at 5:05am

I knew my husband a very short time before we got married but for both of us it was a second marriage. For me that changes things drastically. We already knew first hand what it was like to be married to someone who is very wrong for you. Perhaps if I had been a Christian during my first marriage, I would have fought harder to keep it intact but even so I believe it would have either failed or been a long struggle.
I knew that Mark (my soulmate :)) was the right guy because of traits that he exhibited naturally and from the start and all of the time. He was someone that I trusted and knew that I could weather the storms with. We have been married 23 years. He helped me raise my three kids -two were teenagers and one almost a teenager when we married. During those years we had a hard struggle, partly because Mark was new to this parenting gig (and not particularly good at it) and partly because of the things that my kids had already gone through and partly because they were teenagers. But we survived.
If I had known how slow Mark would be to have a serious relationship with Jesus, I would have slowed down our wedding but I suspect that we still would have married. My point in telling you that is that even though he was a good choice, we still have had many struggles over the years because we didn't share the same relationship with Christ. Mark is a believer but in the beginning I am not so sure that he was (though he said that he was).
Marriage is a contract. God does not take contracts lightly even when man does. So the advice to include God into the decision is very wise and most of the time slow is the better speed for starting relationships and continuing them.

Darlene

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Permalink Reply by swtswan on September 21, 2008 at 9:32pm

I agree with Darlene;Its best not to rush in where angels fear to tread.And besides what reason is he in so much of a rush for? He is pretty old for her it seems from my point of view he is old enough to be her father;(He may have a hidden agenda;I would go slow & get to know alot More about him and his history and background; as she is very young, and has plenty of time ahead of herself. Its better than making a horrible mistake. I talk to my kids about life mistakes and also good choices I've made to help them be better informed to make thier own decisions.

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